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This recollection of our experience through Cyclone Jasper was written on 20th December 2023, 9 days after landfall. Cyclone Jasper formed off the Queensland coast in the Coral Sea early in December 2023. Its unusual path leading up to landfall made for a very slow-moving and unprecedented cyclone; typically, cyclones travel south as they near the coastline. However, Jasper tracked north, eventually making landfall between Port Douglas and Wujal Wujal. As the crow flies, Port Douglas is approximately 10km NE from our Julatten home. An extensive mountain range divides the coast and the rainforest of the Mowbray Valley, perfectly protecting us from storms that form in the Coral Sea. The last notable weather event for us here in Julatten was cyclone Larry in 2006, which cut access to Black Mountain Road, where we live. Cyclone Larry made landfall in Innisfail, some 200+km from Julatten. I am sharing some highs and lows from our experience through cyclone Jasper as our remote, off-grid lifestyle has made for a unique nine days of survival. Our home was built in 2016 on the Leonardi family farm, where we now live and work comfortably, with minimal negative environmental impact. Our home and sheds are powered by the sun (converted and stored in batteries), with diesel generator backup when needed. This meant we always had power in isolation, but no mobile phone reception and internet. This is the first cyclone three of my four children have experienced (Antonia was a baby in 2011 when cyclone Yasi hit the region) and the most severe I have experienced since cyclone Rona in my teens (1998) when I lived in Cairns. I hope you enjoy reading about our experience through cyclone Jasper. Killing Time Our days consisted of a somewhat routine existence, including the children all complaining that it was ‘STILL raining!’ every morning when they woke. This continued for five days, when thankfully, they finally got used to it. Around day 5, we all began to sleep until daylight, our body clocks aware that there was no rush to get the day started, as there was nowhere to go. This was a massive shift for us as the days began early on the farm, and so did the work. There is very rarely a day spare to sleep in. On a regular day, the children are on the school bus by 7 am and work for me starts at around 4 am, squeezing in those precious couple of hours in the office before the children wake. Thankfully, the novelty of playing in the rain never wore off, with all four children and Sam enjoying outside time with the dogs every afternoon from 5 pm. This was the time I spent creating something for dinner, searching for ingredients at the back of the pantry and digging into the depths of our many deep freezers for hidden and long-forgotten treasures. At around 9 am each day, we would venture down to Sam’s grandad’s house, located on the farm, about 300 metres from our house. This became our daily outing and a much-needed source of socialisation. Fortunately, as a medical priority customer, Sam’s grandad had a Telstra landline phone that was still operating despite losing power, mobile reception and internet. This allowed Sam and I to call his dad and my Mum to check in and let them know we were all okay. This was such a godsend for us, as we felt disconnected and displaced without regular contact with the outside world via social media, email and mobile telephones. The children took some time adjusting to the sudden change in their ‘smart’ lifestyle. Almost everything they did for the first 24 hours without phone and internet ended in ‘Why isn’t this working?’ with Sam and I impatiently responding, ‘because there’s no internet!’ It meant no online gaming, YouTube, Spotify, or Netflix. Their existence was challenging and confusing for the first time in their lives. It is a wake-up call to all of us at how much we rely on the World Wide Web and all its benefits. Professionally, I struggled immensely for the first few days due to looming deadlines before Christmas and the realisation that I could do nothing about it. My business heavily relies on being ‘mobile’ and working from home. I pride myself on having an incredibly minimal carbon footprint in my personal and work life. However, most of my working relationships are conducted online and rely heavily on software and online programs. A little perspective was realised in these moments. It wasn’t until the whole of far north Queensland went on flood watch on Saturday, 16th December, that I began to relax about my work commitments and missed deadlines. The guilt of not being available to my clients, especially those not located in Queensland, subsided. The fate of my business was now in the hands of the formidable Mother Nature. I still wished I could have sent clients a message to let them know I was okay and hoped to be back online soon, but it wasn’t meant to be. (As I type this, I remain offline and unable to contact my clients. Today is day nine since losing contact with the outside world). Back to our daily routine… Sam’s grandad and his wife, Joyce, rely on power from Ergon, so they were without for nine days and counting. They used our old petrol generator, which meant they didn’t lose any of their food in the fridge and freezer. Being 90 years old, ‘Old Sam’ or ‘Nonno,’ as we affectionately call him, lived a minimalist life and usually enjoyed trips to Woolworths for essentials during the week. With cyclone Jasper slowly moving towards Port Douglas, there was very little concern for its impact on us up here in the hills behind Port Douglas. ‘Old Sam’ said he had never recalled any real threat to Julatten due to a cyclone in the almost 50 years since settling here. He had a little bit of petrol in a 20L Gerry can, as well as a few day’s supply of food sure Jasper wouldn’t isolate us for more than a day or two due to flooding. How wrong he was. I remember once Jasper had crossed, we were all feeling much relief but also in awe of its ferocity. In disbelief, we later heard it had crossed the coast as a Category 1 cyclone, making landfall around 7 pm on Tuesday, 12th December. By day 2, we were genuinely beginning to think that Jasper had only hit Julatten as news reports didn’t accurately record its impact in our little corner of the world. Reports by Cairns locals on the ABC news were of Jasper being a ‘fizzer’ and nothing more than a bad storm. This was a surreal feeling. We were physically cut off from the outside world and wondered if anyone else feared what Jasper would bring for the rest of the week. We couldn’t believe the casual ‘she’ll be right’ attitude and disregard of those severely affected by the ‘storm’ in those early days since Jasper hit our region. Image 1: TV coverage of extensive flooding, our only link to the outside world. From Tuesday 12th December, no one in our house slept for two nights. The thunderous cyclone battered our roof, and its sheer velocity kept us all awake all day and night. The TV volume was on 100 (at 25, I’m usually yelling at the kids to turn it down), and we still couldn’t hear a word. I will never forget the winds and power of Jasper. From Tuesday morning until the following Monday (18th December), we experienced heavy rainfall, gale-force winds, and extreme flooding. In some 24-hour periods, more than 800mm of rain was recorded in Julatten. The 7-day rainfall record was exceeded, with Black Mountain Road recording a total of 1939mm from Tuesday 12th to Tuesday 19th December. Image 2 (top left): One of our full dams on day 4. Image 3 (top right): The gully we cross to leave the farm. We estimate that it was around 3 metres in depth; the most we have seen is at about 2 metres. Image 4 (left): Our inundated dams and waterways on the farm. It was almost a relief when, on Sunday morning (17th December), the rest of the far north had caught up to us weather-wise. Suddenly, the effects of Jasper were being felt throughout the region and not just in our small town of approximately 1,000 people, tucked behind the hills of Port Douglas. The news reports were suddenly dominated by flood warnings, catastrophic damage and a real threat that the worst of the lousy weather awaited us. What followed for us was genuine concern for the welfare of our loved ones in close-by Mossman and Cairns. The threat of flooding was upon them with no end in sight. Thankfully, our loved ones were spared, with no homes inundated with water. The worst of it was the uncertainty, but also the loss of power for several days, no drinking water, and no internet or telecommunications. During our nine days so far, we have filled our days with puzzles, board games, endless movies playing in the background, cleaning out long-neglected wardrobes, drawers and cupboards, tidying, cooking, and watching the many, many dance, theatre, and singing productions put on by the children. The odd library, shop and art class have also made a comeback with the kids demanding ‘real money’ to loan my own book, buy-back my own makeup, or go to my own children’s art gallery. I guess I should admire their entrepreneurship. All in all, I have to admit that I have actually enjoyed the forced family time that Jasper has brought to us. This, by far, has been something I have been most grateful for. With life getting so busy and the children growing up so fast, it has been nice to slow down and return to essential family time without interruptions. However, there is no doubt that cabin fever is a real thing. A lot of time was also spent trying to dry clothes! I set up several undercover lines, but the wind pushed the rain into our substantial patio. There was no protection from the wind for anything! With a concern of creating a perfect breeding ground for mould, I didn’t want to hang any wet clothing inside the house; all windows and doors were shut for a good five days, so bringing in damp clothing would not work. By day 4, several baskets of clothes started to smell, so I began hand washing all the damp clothing and hanging them out in the rain! I figured that at least if they were on the line in the soaking rain, they would dry eventually once the sun came out. Until early on Sunday, 17th December, I was still planning on catching my scheduled flight out of Cairns on Monday afternoon, so washing and drying clothes was a priority. With the kids outside, playing in the rain several times a day – this was their only ‘outside time’ during the nine days of isolation; we eventually made a new rule of underwear only during outside play to reduce the amount of wet and muddy clothing. This helped a lot. Sam and I were constantly getting wet whilst out in the paddocks checking on livestock and fencing, so we both ran out of clean and dry underwear pretty quickly! I must mention, primarily for my memory, that the rain was so intense that even our raincoats didn’t stop the rain from soaking us through to the bone. I imagine this experience was similar to a boatie caught in a storm on the open ocean – there was no escape from the deluge! Food & Water Our water is supplied by healthy amounts of rain in our region for most of the year, being replenished by pumped water from the headwaters of the Mowbray Falls, which run through our property, as well as a bore when needed. Water was never an issue for us on the farm during our time in isolation. Although we have off-grid solar power and no connection to the ‘grid’, we do run a gas oven and cooktop, so we are never unable to cook a hot meal or boil water. There wasn’t a night when we didn’t have a lovely home-cooked, healthy, nourishing meal, thanks to our lifestyle here on the farm. By day 3 or 4, however, we had gotten through the fresh fruit and vegetables and almost all of our packaged frozen vegetables as well. My frozen containers of ‘soup mix’ became our new staple as they consisted of chopped carrot, celery, onion, and spinach – the perfect base not only for soups but also for curries, casseroles, fried rice and rissoles, once minced. Life on the farm means we always have our beef, chicken, fish, seasonal prawns, venison, duck, pork, and sausages, all stockpiled in the deep freezers. There was no shortage of food during our time in isolation. However, we missed fresh eggs, cheese, tomato sauce, fresh garlic, and ice cream once they were all consumed. Although we all grew to love powdered milk, I longed for some fresh cow’s milk for my favourite cold treat, a homemade iced coffee. Once the cheese and tomato sauce ran out, I must say, the children were less impressed by my efforts in the kitchen – everything tastes better with cheese and tomato sauce when you’re a kid! I’m grateful for our large, abundant kitchen which housed many many herbs and spices, honey from our beehives, preserved foods, soup mixes and jars of homemade jams and chutneys, and a healthy supply of ingredients required to make our own bread. Many years ago, I acquired some old bakers’ tins – 3 joined together specifically for baking high-top loaves. So, keeping up with the bread supplies was easy and a very enjoyable task every second day. The Thermomix took the hard work out of kneading the dough, and the gas oven and bakers’ tins made easy work of our bread production. It was also lovely to be able to take fresh bread to ‘Old Sam’ and Joyce every couple of days. Many savoury focaccias and sweet breads were also created to offer a little variety in our breakfast and lunch meals. With no internet, I did miss the convenience of looking up new ways to reinvent staples like mince. Happily, I referred to my many favourite cookbooks and all-time favourite family recipes instead. It took a little mindfulness to browse a recipe book instead of spending approximately 30 seconds online to find what I didn’t know I wanted. Snacking - I don’t generally keep a lot of chips, sweet biscuits or packaged foods in our house, but with four children and off the back of school finishing, I did have a light supply of these foods in the pantry at the beginning of our time in isolation. All hell broke loose when the last packet of biscuits, chips and Icey poles were consumed, with the children all going into melt-down about the fact that there was ‘no food left in the house!’ I’m grateful for this experience as by day 3; we were all over our salty snack and sugar cravings that we didn’t realise existed and were looking for fresh food and water to quench the odd hunger pain between meals. My coffee stash never looked so good at the start of Jasper, so I was A-OK (I had stocked up in time for the beginning of the school holidays, ensuring I was equipped to work from home with four kids for six weeks!) Image 5: We celebrated Sam’s birthday on Thursday 14th December. As you can see, we made him a fruit bread stack for his cake as our attempt to bake a cake without eggs didn’t work. Pets & Livestock Sadly, the cruel reality of a natural disaster often doesn’t hit anyone harder than farmers. On our farm, we fatten beef cattle and are enjoying the newest additions; cows and calves – for many years, we’ve primarily farmed steers. Fortunately, just weeks before Jasper’s arrival, we sent many of our calves to my father-in-law’s farm in Mareeba to be weened off from their mothers and returned within 2-4 weeks. This left only the older, already-weened calves and their mothers on the farm, as well as our bull and a few young bulls. Still, the farm held around 120 head of cattle at the time of Jasper’s arrival. On day 5, Saturday 16th December, at 6 pm, Sam noticed our cattle on Black Mountain Road, outside our fencing, on the other side of the flood waters. We quickly grabbed the wire, plyers, headlamps and a few tools and jumped in the buggy. The children had eaten dinner and were told to stay home with Antonia, our eldest, left in charge. What then transpired was the most frightening experience of my time on the farm. Within minutes, it was dark; we were wet and searching for somewhere to cross floodwater to get to the cattle. We settled on a narrow crossing of about 2 metres in width, up from what we call our ‘fertiliser crossing.’ Sam flung the tools and wire onto the bank on the other side and crossed the fast-flowing water. He called out to me to join him as it was only waist-deep. By the time I was knee-deep, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to make it across due to the current, so I relied on Sam to pull me through the fast-moving water. From there, reaching the cattle up on the road was a steep climb. Sam, being far fitter and accustomed to this type of activity, left me in his dust as I struggled to keep up. By the time I made it up the hill, Sam had positioned himself so that the cattle would quickly push back into the paddock with my presence behind them. We then walked the fence line to determine how the mob got out. It was now pitch black, with only the light of our headlamps to guide us along the fence line; I continued to struggle to trek through thick grass, pouring rain and crazy winds to keep up with Sam. On a stretch of about 250m, we found several large trees that had been uprooted and completely smashed our 3-strand barbed wire fencing. We, mostly Sam, while I held tools and offered support, did our best to fix what we could, which often included using large tree trunks as new strainer posts and makeshift star pickets. All in all, this took about an hour and a half, many trips, falls and cuts to hands, one taipan, thousands of panicked green ants and several occasions where I thought my life was about to end by way of being crushed by a fallen tree. I confess in these moments, I heard myself thinking, ‘I’m not cut out for this farm life.’ My suburban upbringing was never far from the surface. Image 6: Broken tree on fence. The cows were in, and the fence was ‘fixed’, so the trek back to the buggy began. Once again, I trailed Sam, but thankfully, he stopped to let me catch up a few times. These times were also used to plan our return to the creek crossing, where the inevitable conversations around what I’m to do if something happens to him started. I’m not sure how many more times I have to hear these instructions. Again, I think, ‘I’m not cut out for this.’ The water had risen, and the current was roaring, so Sam went first while I was sworn to get to safety and not worry about him if he was swept away. Yeah, okay. He made it across unscathed, thank goodness, but I felt apprehensive and terrified about crossing the water. Within a step or two, my feet were lifted from beneath me, the current too strong for my 90kg body weight. Sam grabbed my arm and pulled me across. I’m sure I wouldn’t have made either crossing without him there. I hope that that was the first and last time I ever had to cross a flooded waterway. Once we reached the buggy and my ass hit the seat, I just wanted to burst into tears. The reality of how quickly life could have changed in that moment was all too real. Sadly, this is the reality for many farmers, who risk their lives much worse than we did for their livelihood – their livestock. It’s easy to think, ‘bugger that’, but from where Sam sits as the primary earner in our household and the manager of his family farm, those cattle on the road are worth thousands of dollars of irreplaceable income. It’s reckless not to ensure they are safe, and it’s naive to expect any farmer wouldn’t do anything to protect their investment. I have such a deep respect for people on the land, but honestly, in times like this, I wonder what I’m doing here. Unlike Sam, the farm doesn’t run through my blood; it hasn’t always been there, and it hasn’t always been my future. Don’t get me wrong, I love our life and our lifestyle, but it sure gets tested in times like these. Damn you, Jasper, damn you. We are unsure if we have lost any cattle at this early stage, as we still cannot access much of the farm due to flooding. Two of our pigs, one of our dogs and strangely, some of the region’s native birdlife have mysteriously died due to the effects of Jasper. The harsh reality of life and death is something our children have become accustomed to, especially with so much loss in only one week. Among the losses, however, are many survivors, including our many working dogs and much-loved pets: Roger, Duchess and TJ. Farming Our established citrus trees, including mandarin, lemon, pomelo, limes, blood orange, and late Valencia oranges, all held their young fruit. Our crop of pineapples also held on tight to their stalks and are surprisingly still looking okay to harvest in time for Christmas. Our 7-year-old Jaboticaba tree blessed us with its first two fruits the week before Jasper hit. Unfortunately, they didn’t survive the storm, but Sam ate the ripe fruit he found under the tree and said they were plump, juicy and delicious! We now look very much forward to next year’s Jaboticaba crop. Our young lychee trees also survived albeit a little wind-swept and needing staking once the wind dies down completely. Image 7: Jaboticaba fruit. My much-loved flower gardens had been freshly mulched and fertilised at the end of Autumn, so I literally worried about all my hard work being blown away. Again, surprisingly, all mulch stayed put, and I’m happy to report that no plants have been lost to being water-logged or ripped from the ground. The biggest surprise has been my gerbera plantation that usually hates having ‘wet feet’ – I usually only water them twice a week – they are all in full flower and looking extremely happy and healthy in today’s bursts of sunshine. My hydrangea and rose plants also weathered the cyclone relatively unscathed but will enjoy good pruning this week sometime. Images 8,9,10: These are photos taken of our other farm in Julatten, which is located close to the school. We could not monitor the flooding during Cyclone Jasper, but thankfully, the 150 acres don’t have any livestock on it at the moment. The property boundary lines run along Brown, Eulluma Creek and McLeans Bridge Roads. Waste Management My very first challenge during isolation was what to do with all our rubbish! Within 24 hours, I already had two large bags full of household rubbish with nowhere to put them (our weekly bin service had ceased). Thankfully, all of our food waste is fed to our pigs, so there wasn’t too much of a smell from the accumulating rubbish bags. A family of 6 creates a lot of waste! Added to the usual rubbish were extra bits and pieces we were throwing out due to cleanouts of school bags, bedrooms, linen cupboards and the kitchen pantry. Usually, we fill our wheelie bin each week and burn any remaining waste. However, with the constant wind and downpours, burning was no longer an option. We ended up filling the back of a Ute with rubbish, which remains out of the weather and awaits burning. Our bin service, which Mareeba Shire Council runs, will not resume until it is safe on the roads – which is almost certainly likely to be several days, if not weeks, away. Image 11 (top left): Black Mountain Road once open. Image 12 & 13: A washout on Black Mountain Road, adjacent to one of our boundary fences. Shelter Concern for structural damage during a cyclone is always present. We live on a hill with basically no vegetation close enough to our house to cause damage, so our main concern during a storm or cyclone is debris and wind damage to fencing and trees. Thankfully, we had no damage to any structures on the farm, with a misshaped pool fence, the only evidence of Jaspers’s presence. Travel Plans Cancelled In hindsight, are travel and holiday plans being cancelled compared to the impact of cyclone Jasper really that big of a deal? NO. They did, however, take up much of our energy, worrying about whether they would eventuate in the early days of our isolation. In the first week of the holidays (last week), we looked forward to a few nights away in Cairns due to Antonia and Alyssa’s involvement in the Bodies in Motion end-of-year production, ‘Legendary.’ The event coincided with Sam’s birthday (14th December), so we looked forward to days by the pool and nights at the theatre. Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be with CPAC confirming the postponement of the production until February 2024 due to the impending bad weather. When this decision was made on Monday 11th December, it seemed somewhat over-cautious but respected. As it turned out, it was absolutely the right decision. On Monday, 18th December, Sebby and I were due to fly to Brisbane for his scheduled 12-weekly MRI and Oncology review at Qld Children’s Hospital. On Sunday, 17th December, Cairns Airport was shut down for the second time since Jasper’s arrival, so it became evident that the trip would not occur. Once again, feeling like control of the situation was out of my hands; I surrendered to the reality of yet another planned trip being cancelled. I called the Cairns Oncology Unit early on Monday morning to let them know of our situation and to please let the relevant specialists, doctors, medical imaging and patient travel know that we wouldn’t be coming. These appointments have now been rescheduled for 31st January 2024. Overall, I feel grateful that we are now safe and on the other side of Cyclone Jasper. My heart goes out to those whose homes and businesses were inundated with water, and I hope power and drinking water are restored quickly. I hope my recollection of the experience has provided a little insight into life on the farm during a natural disaster. We now look forward to indulging in the freedom of leaving the farm once the flood waters reside and the damaged roads are repaired, we hope one day soon. I asked the kids some questions about their time in isolation during Cyclone Jasper… Antonia (13 years old) What have you missed most since Cyclone Jasper arrived? Going shopping and seeing my friends. What’s been the best thing about being stuck on the farm for so long? Sleeping in and family time. What has been the worst thing about Cyclone Jasper? Flooding and no internet. General Comments: I’ve liked cleaning my room and we’ve seen Nonno and Joyce a lot. Josephine (10 years old) What have you missed most since Cyclone Jasper arrived? My friends, going out and socialising. What’s been the best thing about being stuck on the farm for so long? Nothing. What has been the worst thing about Cyclone Jasper? No internet and staying home. General Comments: This has been the worst week in my entire life because my siblings are annoying, and I haven’t had any food I like except bread. I also got a sore tummy from eating too much bread. Alyssa (7 years old) What have you missed most since Cyclone Jasper arrived? Seeing my friends, and going shopping. What’s been the best thing about being stuck on the farm for so long? Winning boardgames. What has been the worst thing about Cyclone Jasper? We ran out of ice cream and had no internet. General comments: I’ve missed junk food, and my sisters and brother are annoying. Sebby (5 years old) What have you missed most since Cyclone Jasper arrived? I’ve missed my friends Jasmine, Mackenzie and Tate. I’ve also missed bananas, avocados and Icey Poles. What’s been the best thing about being stuck on the farm for so long? Playing in the rain with Daddy. What has been the worst thing about Cyclone Jasper? Nothing. Image 14,15,16: Images of a helicopter hovering over our farm on day 8 when the weather cleared enough for the airways to open once again. This was a very exciting time as it was the first contact with ‘the outside world’ since Jasper’s arrival. The kids are still eagerly awaiting their debut on the national news each night.

This poem came to me this morning as I reflected on a special book I started reading last night. 'FEARLESS' by Jelena Dokic is offering me an opportunity for self-reflection and a reminder that life is what we make it. I cannot wait to review this book once completed, another stellar publication by one of my true inspirations and hero to many, Jelena Dokic. Reflections by Crystal Leonardi When you look in the mirror, what do you see? A reflection of you or who others want you to be? It can be hard to see past the wrinkles, age spots and fatigue, But if our mindset could shift, beauty, wisdom, and life is what we’d see. Society encourages us to be perpetually critical of ourselves, Rarely allowing positive thoughts, leaving self-love on the shelves. The freedom to change our appearance weighs greatly on our self-worth, Social media the new benchmark we rate from as young as birth. In a world where AI is becoming the norm, it’s sad we feel the need to aesthetically reform. To live with inadequacy and never feel satisfied, placing ourselves on a platform, a very slippery slide. To feel love for ourselves like we do for others, Could be life's greatest achievement, a lesson from our mothers. I have to admit, I still catch myself often, Feeling doubtful of my worth, my confidence prepared to soften. Because of one person’s opinion of who I should be, Forgetting who I am and the direction I want my life to see. Listening to negative feedback, doubters and critics has made me realise, That self-loathing behaviour could be the perfect recipe for our demise. So the question we need to ask ourselves, Is who do we want to see? A reflection of ourselves, Or who others want us to be? The many faces of 'me.' The good, the bored, and the sad. Life isn't always roses. Enjoy life for what it is, which is not perfect. Celebrate the little wins and learn from the adversity that inevitably comes. We are what we manifest, and life is what we make it. Crystal Leonardi, Bowerbird Publishing Click here to view my publications www.crystalleonardi.com/bookshop

2023 AusMumpreneur Wrap-up: This year, I was fortunate to attend the AusMumpreneur conference and awards ceremony at Dockside, Sydney. The 3-day conference commenced on Tuesday 22nd, finishing with the awards ceremony on Thursday night, 24th. Although I didn’t make it to Sydney until halfway through day 2 (due to family commitments back home), I gained so much valuable knowledge and insights into some of Australia’s most successful entrepreneurs. Here are some of the stand-out tips I took away from the conference… “Motion creates emotion.” Tiffany Hall, The Business Black Belt “Bounce forward, not back.” Tiffany Hall, The Business Black Belt “Turn ‘it’s impossible’ to ‘I can learn how’.” Leonie Dawson, How I’ve Sold $10M in 10hrs a week. Leonie Dawson (2nd from left) pictured with me, Hannah Boon, Sandy Davies and Nicola Baker. “Why the fuck not me?” “If something’s not serving you, let it go.” “Delegate what doesn’t make you money so that you can make money.” “Celebrate the little wins.” “Your vibe will attract your tribe.” My FNQ represent crew: (me), Nicola Baker, Sandy Davies, Christine Foudoulis, and Hannah Boon. With over 2,500 entries into the 2023 AusMumpreneur awards, it was an absolute honour to be named as a finalist. My category, Author of the Year, boasted 11 finalists. In being named a finalist for the 2nd year in a row, I have learnt that connection is everything. Whether I took home the trophy or not didn’t change the opportunity these awards presented me; a chance to meet and mingle with my peers and industry heavy-weights. Being there in person this year gave me the opportunity to put faces to names, and social media profiles and further develop relationships. For this, I feel very fulfilled. As an owner of a business situated a reaaaaallllllly long way from the city and many of my fellow finalists, it felt incredible to be seen and heard. The 2023 AusMumpreneur Awards have once again reminded me that I am valued and worthy of recognition. For those of you who are interested, I feel it’s important for me to share my acceptance speech. It was written with hope but also doubt, feeling overwhelmed by the awesomeness of my fellow finalists. I didn’t take home a win this year, but my gratitude and teachings remain the same… Pictured: (me) and Amy Aqualini. Amy and I finally met in person after chatting online for some time. I can't wait to see how our crossed paths will help us both personally and professionally. Only 3 years ago, my life revolved around my critically ill son. It’s an absolutely incredible honour to stand here as an advocate for survival and a mother who has overcome the worst kind of trauma – the very real threat of losing a child. In 2021, I wrote a book about my son, called ‘Boy of Steel’ and my life changed forever. It won me awards and recognition and brought me great joy to know that it was helping other families like mine. From the realisation that my story and survival had the power to help others, I began searching for my passion and purpose. As a self-published author, I quickly realised that many talented writers weren’t sharing their stories simply because they hadn’t been able to secure a book deal. That their feelings of rejection and disappointment were overshadowing their will to find the courage to keep their publishing dreams alive. My company, Bowerbird Publishing, was born in 2021 to provide solutions to this problem. I took my skill set and abilities, both professional and personal, to help writers tell their stories. In a dog-eat-dog world, I give writers the confidence to celebrate their achievements. Today, I remain a mum and fierce advocate for my family and business. As a mum of a brain cancer warrior, I understand the immense struggle of other cancer families, surviving or not. As an author and publisher, I use my knowledge and experience to empower others to share their story. Our lives are created to be shared and inspired. Through writing and publishing stories, I find peace and hope for the future. I’d like to thank Ausmumpreneur founders Peace Mitchell and Katy Garner for this incredible opportunity. To the awards sponsors and judges, thank you for believing in me and listening to my story. To my family and mentors, thank you for loving me and cheering me on, every step of the way. I hope my journey through authorship and then publishing helps you to believe that you too, can do anything you set your mind to. I face challenges daily, but I rise by lifting others up (thanks Peace & Katy for the tagline ;). To read more about my story, check out my other blogs. To read my books, head to my online bookshop www.crystalleonardi.com/bookshop Boy of Steel, Little Sebastian’s Big Miracle My Brother Sebastian, Explaining Cancer to Kids 6 Steps to Self-publishing with Crystal Leonardi You can also follow me on social media; Facebook: Bowerbird Publishing – Crystal Leonardi Instagram: Bowerbird Publishing

Recently, I had the opportunity to get to know a well-known Australian entertainer who has previously published through one of Australia's big five publishing companies. During our chat about her experience with Australian publishers, I learnt a few things that I found quite alarming. It’s got to do with book publicity and marketing agreements. On receiving a book deal with one of the big five, authors are sometimes required to sign agreements regarding the ownership of their book, their promotional obligations and income expectations. I must mention here that I am sharing this information based on one author's recent experience. I’m not implying that this situation is typical or true of all publishers in Australia, and have heard very good things about others. This author I met was presenting her new book to a robust and very enthusiastic following of around 150 readers. I was lucky enough to spend time with her, after the crowds had subsided. On meeting her, the first thing I asked was, “Can I buy a signed copy of your new book, please?” To my surprise, her answer was, “No.” Why, you might ask? Here’s the clencher… her publisher didn’t think she was popular enough for a publicity tour (book signings, launch, appearances). You can imagine my surprise to learn then that because of this; she was not authorised to sell her books at any events she organised herself. The books remained the property of the publisher until they were willing to promote the book. I have to admit, I have heard this before. Authors are left in the lurch, trying to host their own book launches with no or very little stock to sell due to their contractual obligations to their publisher. Crazy, right?! I was genuinely flabbergasted to learn that even an author with substantial celebrity status was whacked with this clause in Australia. What hope do we mere mortals have when even a well-known entertainer can’t get a publicity tour? The image to the left is of the attendees at this particular book event, looks pretty 'popular' to me! This has prompted me to share what Bowerbird Publishing offers to its authors. All the perks of a traditional publisher – logo placement on books, professional marketing assistance, promotion of you, the author and your book through local and national media, my website and social media platforms. Professional editor, graphic designer, and publisher, all in-house. Bowerbird Publishing DOES NOT retain any legal ownership of your book. Bowerbird Publishing DOES NOT earn any money from your book earnings. Continued support and advice on how to make the most out of your publication. As a publisher, my motivation is to help other authors share their stories. I started out as a self-published author, so I not only understand the business of publishing but also relate to writers on a personal level. There is nothing wrong with wanting that dream book deal from one of the big five publishers in Australia. I, too, shared that dream once. My message to you today is to look beyond the prestigious façade that comes with the big five and really think about what you want for yourself and how much you are willing to sacrifice for the sake of the publishers ‘label.’ Royalties can be minimal when bound to a big five publisher; they can also expect you to work harder for your earnings. With Bowerbird Publishing, you set your price and earn 100% of the royalties on books you sell. If you’ve signed with one of the big five in Australia, tell us your story. I’d love to know what motivates authors to return, even when minimal earnings or contracts favour the publisher. This is my cautionary tale, to continue to educate writers on the many perks and disadvantages of the different publishing options in Australia. My book, ‘6 Steps to Self-publishing with Crystal Leonardi’ gives authors the insight they need to make the right publishing choice for them. Purchase your copy through my online book shop… www.crystalleonardi.com/bookshop

Whether your success is measured by winning awards, reaching your goals, or simply getting through each day, take the time to celebrate your achievements. As life continues, we must embrace the good and the bad equally to maintain a grounded existence. I am always open to new opportunities and thrive on self-improvement and the confidence it gives me in my business. As a solo entrepreneur, I am my own publicist, content creator, and events manager, so this fast-paced world will leave you in the dust if you don’t continue to upskill. In the last few months, I have put myself out there by nominating for several national awards. Consequently, I had to up the ante on confidence and backing myself. Easier said than done, however. How do we go from knowing we can do it to articulating that we can do it when out of our comfort zone and in front of our peers or, even worse, judges? These are some of the questions I pondered when it was announced that I was a finalist in all three categories that I was nominated for. My thought process was a little like this – "shit, now I have to prove I’m worthy." '"How will I articulate my successes without stumbling through nervously, jumbling up my words and sounding like a goofball?" Imposter syndrome chimed in right on queue, nudging me into a corner of self-doubt and disbelief that I’m worthy of winning. Fast forward a few weeks, and I realised that making the most of the opportunities was my best shot at success, even if that meant I didn’t win. I had to prepare myself with a winning attitude and gain skills from those who already knew the formula for success. Queue Ausmumpreneur powerhouse Jordana Edwards from The Breastfeeding Tea Co. and her valuable insight into what makes a great interview, and I felt so confident and well prepared for my finalist interviews that whether I win or not, I know I’ve given it my best shot and put my best foot forward. So, now I’d like to share the key points I learnt from Jordana and a few other inspiring publicity coaches. Anyone can be an expert. If you are an author, you are an expert on your book. Decide what you are an expert in, ensuring you have experience in the topic to represent yourself and what you do confidently. With success often comes the imposter syndrome, where we lack self-belief. Knowing your area of expertise and focusing on how it can serve others will allow you to commit to your purpose. Persistence pays off. This is my favourite topic of conversation right now. We can become so self-absorbed that we end up talking ourselves out of success. Remember, every person you share your message with is probably hearing it for the first time. It’s ok to feel like a broken record! Don’t feel embarrassed about tooting your own horn and leave self-doubt at the door. To make someone else believe you are successful, you must also believe it. Do journalists a favour by persistently updating them on your achievements. They rely on their community to provide them with content, and if your pitch is the right fit, it will receive attention. Milk your publicity, and keep using it to remind your audience of your worth. A great story of success has a very long shelf life in the world of PR. Know how and when. So, you’ve put yourself out there, and now you’re waiting for the phone to start ringing… what happens if all you hear are crickets? Follow up! Often, emails are missed or lost in full inboxes. Journalists care about their readers and viewers, so take that into consideration when pitching your story. They don’t necessarily care about you and your business, but it will be considered if it speaks to their audience. Find your angle and go with it. Keep it simple and carefully select your supporting graphics, depending on the media platform. Sometimes stock photography isn’t always the best choice, and a more natural or outside-the-box approach is preferred. Know your media platform and cater your pitch to them. With all that being said, self-promotion is not everyone’s cup of tea. It’s something most of us have to work on. I love the advice about being the expert. When focused on what I know, it all comes very naturally. Don’t overthink things or get bogged down in thoughts of self-doubt. Be your biggest supporter; when you believe in yourself, others will too. To purchase my books, head to my online bookshop... www.crystalleonardi.com/bookshop. Check out the Bowerbird Publishing tab on my website for mentoring and publishing services. For more information about Jordana Edwards and The Breastfeeding Tea Co. go to ABOUT US — The Breastfeeding Tea Co. For more information about Ausmumpreneur, go to AusMumpreneur | Australia's Number 1 Community for Mums in Business

We are officially on the countdown to the end of treatment; only six weeks to go, making the 23rd of May a day of celebration. My heart really only settled on this realization today, a whole week and a half after Sebby’s last MRI and oncology review in Brisbane. For a welcome change, we had a good scan, good results, and a high-5 from the team in Brisbane - awesome, yes? Or no? My mind said yes, but my heart said no. A predicament that's become all too common for me. Conflicting emotions, regardless of the news, wash over me as I try to understand it. I'm sure many oncology families and individuals go through this, reminded of their immortality and the fragility of life, a nudge back to some of the darkest moments already endured. I know I’m not alone because others share their struggles through FB support groups. In my way of helping others, I share my experiences through my blog. Here’s an entry from my journal last week, illustrating how lost and confused I feel every 12 weeks, when Sebby’s fate is reviewed. Why do I struggle to process good news? When shit hits the fan, I feel in control, calm, level-headed, and shielded from the blues. Focused on finding a solution, there's no room for emotional confusion or alarm. So why, then, do I feel numb to positive results? A search for peace, unachievable for this tortured soul. I should be popping the bubbly, anticipating the inevitable dizzy assault that my body can't handle, but desperate to forget our fate. The anxiety leading up to our quarterly oncology review is the same every time. The week before is full of sleepless nights, restless days, and a lack of focus. I just don't get it. I should feel relieved and exhilarated about dodging a bullet this time. But no. Nothing. I feel nothing. Almost like I'm in disbelief; I don't feel like celebrating in case the turn of good fortune is short-lived. I’ve almost become conditioned to expect the worst to happen still, building up to disappointment in hope that it’ll shield me from the power of the blow, even though today's results suggest we're almost out of those woods. Struggling to feel happiness like it never existed. I guess this is all part of the grief. The harsh reality is that this shitty situation is the best we can hope for. Despite promising results this time, we're still dealing with a monster every day who is trying persistently to take our child. It's a battle we can't win, and the trouble is, we don't know how long the fight will last. We have the strength two never give up, but what toll will that take? It's not just grey hairs and weight gain; it’s heartbreak and soul destruction, breaking away tiny fractions with each new day. Here's the thing – today, I feel great (even great enough to share a pathetic attempt at photoshopping my head onto a rollercoaster, haha). After time to process the emotions and realize once again that all we can do is take life one day at a time, I feel relieved that we can now look forward to ending treatment this time around on a high. Sebby couldn’t ‘ring the bell’ after his 1st chemotherapy treatment as it was cut short due to anaphylaxis (technically, he didn’t complete treatment). However, our little superstar has almost completed 68 rounds of chemo, and we all look forward to seeing him finish on a high. For those of you who have or are fighting cancer, I take my hat off to you. It’s hard, it’s brutal, and it is just so emotionally exhausting. I know I don’t have cancer, but I sometimes feel like I do. Just like I said in ‘Boy of Steel,’ when someone in the family has cancer, so do we. Keep fighting warriors, you are my inspiration xo Boy of Steel, Little Sebastian's Big Miracle is filled with journal entries just like this. Some uplifting and some devastating. To order your copy, head to my website bookshop www.crystalleonardi.com/bookshop

My favourite good business practice is education. I’m forever the student in the room, salivating at new information, different opinions, and enriched perspectives. Madly taking notes, I find common ground in common challenges. Recently, I listened to an inspiring talk performed by Peace Mitchell & Katy Garner, sibling entrepreneurs who’ve taken their little ideas and turned them into big successes. I’d like to share the most valuable lessons I learned from Peace & Katy. 1. Think BIGGER! Some call it the over-achiever syndrome, but I’ve learned to embrace my ambition because it has taught me many lessons. Peace & Katy encouraged us to ‘think bigger’ than our ideas, striving for more than we expect. I have embraced this notion with my writing; not only did I become an author, but I also established my own publishing company. So if your ambition is BIG, but you fall short, then at least you’ve tried and can move on to the next BIG thing. Safety and precaution in business are comfortable, but our dreams will never be achieved without risk. Don't short-change yourself by skimming the surface of your potential. Think BIG to achieve more. 2. Cripled with Fear Following on from the last point, Peace and Katy expressed how they still face fear and uncertainty, even after their successes in all areas of their business. This was so refreshing to hear because, as a relatively new business owner, I sometimes feel anxious about the ‘what-ifs.’ What if no one turns up to my event? What if no one reads my book? What if people don’t believe in me? Peace and Katy’s superstar tip was to see new ventures as merely an experiment. Focusing on a growth mindset, you will begin to see failures as lessons and be able to move on quicker and on to the next BIG idea. 3. Call in your Community “If you don’t ask, the answer will always be no.” Peace Mitchell. I really needed to hear this. Too often, I feel embarrassed to ask for support from my nearest and dearest when they’re the ones who’ll help propel my business the quickest! Also linked to the last point, our fear of rejection often stands in the way of asking for help. When a person asks me for help, I always say yes and feel good about helping someone, especially in their business. So I must remember to approach asking for help with the same positive attitude. I’ve learned from my dear friend Sandy Davies of ‘The Power to Rise Above’ that we must rise by lifting others up. She is passionate about giving a voice to those with a story to share and empowering those storytellers by embracing adversity and lifting others up. Furthermore, Peace and Katy reminded me that my business, especially the Book Angels component, has been born from listening to my intuition and that intuition is worthy of trust. Standing up and saying ‘help me to help others’ will always lead you to people who believe in and want to celebrate business. I hope you find this information as inspiring and powerful as I did. Peace and Katy are incredibly talented and grounded entrepreneurs. I love how they work to empower others to follow their dreams, think BIG, and always stay true to their passion. I feel blessed that, like them, my passion is to help others to succeed. Peace & Katy can be found on IG & FB under AusMumpreneur, or via their website AusMumpreneur | Australia's Number 1 Community for Mums in Business To learn more about Sandy’s incredible book ‘The Power to Rise Above,’ head to her website Shop - HappyPause | Menopause Balm For all of my books, please go to www.crystalleonardi.com, not forgetting to check out the Book Angels tab to keep updated on how you can help supply children in hospital with a copy of ‘My Brother Sebastian.’ Peace & Katy, this image is for you... my notes from the CBWC event where you spoke. Thanks for all the inspiration xo

As you know, I spent two days last week at the Tropical Writers Festival in Cairns. Leading up to the event, I was excited and enthusiastic about the opportunities an event of this nature could create. I had the privilege of meeting and listening to an assortment of influencers, entertainers, filmmakers, publishers, and celebrities, all linked to the literary profession in some way, and all sharing their experiences; lessons learned, and challenges shared. I had several ‘uh-huh’ moments, with the most powerful lessons exposing areas I perhaps didn’t know were lacking. From Cathi Lewis, founder of Wild Dingo Press, I could relate to so many of her publishing ‘dilemmas.’ Like me, Cathi runs a small publishing house and is passionate about what she does. I read every manuscript that is submitted and find merit in each one. However, with 6000 books being published monthly in Australia alone, it’s a tough market to break into; little own stand out in. I, like Cathi, would love to publish more authors, but even the ones that pass the ‘sleep test’* sometimes just aren’t the right fit. From Sandy Davies (author, Femtrepreneur, and founder of Soothing HappyPause Balm), “my successes are a failure unless I reach down and pull others up with me.” I needed to hear this! I am so passionate about helping other writers that I often struggle to treat my business like a business and acknowledge my value as a publisher. I felt validated by Cathi’s reminder that it’s not always about the book for the publisher. It is, however, all about timing, genre, and audience, so it’s common for publishers to turn down an author, even when their work carries merit. So where does this leave the writer? In a world where empowerment can be found through stories shared, I encourage the storytellers to keep submitting their manuscripts. Weather you get a book deal or decide to self-publish, publishing is a lot to do with project management and self-promotion – which is not often what authors are willing to do! From Taryn Brumfitt (current Australian of the Year, author, director, and body image campaigner), “polite persistence wears down resistance.” In other words, never give up! I’m so grateful for the event and for this rural business owner to be able to actually meet people face to face. So many of my professional relationships have thrived virtually for a couple of years. Still, it was so nice to shake a hand and give a hug to those who’ve helped me immensely with Bowerbird Publishing. My ‘6 Steps to Self-publishing’ handbook sold out over the weekend, which is a testament to how many writers it’s helping. My next print run is due to arrive this week, so please continue to order via my website www.crystalleonardi.com so I can notify you when your order arrives! *The sleep test was not something Cathi taught me; it was actually something I already do! Reading manuscripts before sleep is a great way to test whether the work is captivating, engaging, and a ‘page-turner.’ Only the ones that keep me awake at the end of my hectic days get a second look.

There’s no doubt that Jelena Dokic’s rise to stardom came fast, hard, and ferociously. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t expect any less from a fellow woman of Yugoslav descent. She’s always been one to watch for me. I could relate to her steely focus on the tennis court and in life. Her discipline, commitment to excellence, and conflicting emotions towards a powerful and dominating male influence during her young years. I was lucky; I didn’t cop the brunt of an abusive father. My father, of English and Irish descent, was an absolute gentleman to his wife and daughters and always treated me respectfully. However, my Yugoslav heritage from my mother’s side exposed me to fine examples of the stereotypical misogynist, cruel, and hard male figure that was Demir Dokic, Jelena’s father. Yugoslav men could be ferocious and somewhat frightening. They did, however, foster a strength in their victims, or bystanders, as I was, to let them explode, grit their teeth, accept your punishment, and prove your worth to them by doing better next time. And this is where I found Jelena’s memoir Unbreakable totally fascinating. Her acknowledgment of a fear-driven ambition to succeed and acceptance of this journey is simply extraordinary. Spending years at the mercy of her abusive father did, in fact, equip her to become the World Number 1 tennis player in 1998, at the ripe old age of 15. She was a record-breaker and an incredible force to be reconned with. While she rapidly ascended through the world tennis rankings, her mental health and family struggles also peaked. Her off-court troubles took their toll and inevitably ended in her retirement from competitive tennis in 2014. Unbreakable is a heartbreaking recount of an abused, neglected, and tortured little girl with an incredible talent for tennis. The abuse was unrelenting and horrendous. I applaud Jelena’s courage to revisit such a traumatic time and bring awareness to domestic abuse and the secret world of toxic child-parent sporting partnerships. Jelena almost lost everything to her father. Her spirit, her mental health, and her career winnings. What he couldn’t take from her was her talent. After many years of soul-searching and repair, Jelena has re-emerged even more inspirational than before. Although not a player anymore, the tennis court is what she still calls ‘home,’ with roles as an Australian coach, commentator, and writer. Other notable chapters in the book include her volatile national identity, switching between representing Australia and Yugoslavia on the courts, the role of her mother during her years of abuse, and the tumultuous relationships that seemed to follow Jelena, even after her personal and professional ‘separation’ from her father. There are very few times in my life since my son’s diagnosis with brain cancer that I can honestly say another person is worse off than us. Jelena broke these barriers for me and left me feeling grateful for my perfectly respectful upbringing compared to hers. For the kindness I received and that she could only dream of. She is a warrior who continues to fight off bullies in the form of online trolls. She has the strength and resilience to fight back and, in my eyes, is a proud and powerful woman, unwilling to accept any form of abuse. Everyone should read this book. It’s powerful. It’s heartbreaking. It’s life-changing. You will never look at tennis, or Jelena, the same way after reading Unbreakable. Purchase your copy here – Unbreakable : Halloran, Jess, Dokic, Jelena: Amazon.com.au: Books *Disclaimer – my description of the Yugoslav community is derived from my own personal experiences as a child born to a Yugoslav mother. I was witness to, but never a victim of, verbal or physical abuse and loved my Yugoslav Baba & Dida (grandparent) more than life itself. The Yugoslav people are generous, hospitable, and extremely resilient. I am proud to call myself part-Yugoslav and carry on many traditions and customs with my own children. In 1946, the new constitution of the Federal People's Republic of Yugoslavia, modelled after the constitution of the Soviet Union, established six republics, including Serbia, Croatia, Montenegro, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Macedonia, and Slovenia.

I don’t know how other self-published authors felt when they saw this headline, but I felt immense relief! In my self-publishing workshops, I talk about this very thing – the hidden conditions that sometimes come with that ‘dream book deal.’ Now, I’m not privy to every publisher’s contract agreements, but I have heard that book deals often catch 1st-time authors by surprise. Let me break it down for you with figures provided by Lewis Pennock for dailymail.com, published 5 January 2023… Penguin Random House paid $20M for a 4-book deal with Harry, including his debut novel ‘Spare.’ It is a 4-book deal, so ‘Spare’ will need to bring in ¼ of the returned income. The ‘Spare’ e-book will retail for $17.99, Penguin gets 70% of that ($12.60), and the remainder will go to the host app store and Harry for his share of the book royalties, leaving a total profit of $8.10 to Penguin per e-book, or the equivalent of 617,284 copies. The ‘Spare’ print book will retail for $36.00, Penguin gets 50% of that ($18.00), and the remainder will go to Harry for his share of the book royalties, leaving a total profit of $12.60 to Penguin per print book, or the equivalent of 396,825 copies. The other important factor to consider with the ‘Spare’ deal is that Penguin may be pocketing some of the ‘profit,’ but they also manufactured the book, market and distribute it, and paid a ghostwriter a reported $1M to write the book, which equates to a significant expense, and not to Harry. Admittedly, in a world where you’re not a celebrity like Harry, publishing houses like Penguin don’t take such big risks. They may agree to publish your book and offer you an advance of, say $30,000, but often it will need to be earnt back within 90 days. For a retail book with a wholesale value of $15.00, that’s 2000 copies in 90 days. 2000 books is a lot for a 1st-time author, let me tell you! The important lesson here is that having a realistic budget for publishing a book is key. If you have the time and resources to earn money back and work with a publishing house, all power to you, I know many published authors whom both enjoy and see value in their relationship with their publisher. I’m not a risk taker and certainly didn’t have a robust budget to lean on when I was ready to publish my first book. So, self-publishing was more suited to me. It allowed me to control the project and work to my set timeframes without outside pressures influencing how and when to do things. It’s a case of making informed decisions at the right time. If you’d like to gain more insight into the world of self-publishing with little insider tidbits like this, email me for my next self-publishing workshop. Leonardi.crystal@gmail.com, or stay updated on upcoming events on my website www.crystalleonardi.com

I feel like I could write about this forever, even though the words struggle to flow onto the page. The exhaustion, overwhelming. During days like this, the wait is the worst. So much anxiety, too many thoughts, unequivocal expectations. The care of my boy taken away, scheduled on the calendar, a notion still unnatural, however somewhat normal to us now. A mother-in-waiting holds a different meaning for an oncology mummy. A mother waiting for news, a mother waiting for relief, a mother needing to take a breath. During days like this, my entire being battles with the fight and the surrender. Too much in love to stop, too tired to continue. Feeling totally drained by the situation but completely motivated by my little one. I wish so hard that this wasn't our reality, living on a knife's edge. Constantly reminded that we are living proof that miracles happen. That something magical keeps our spirits and our boy alive. To read more about me, my struggles, and my successes as a mum and businesswoman, head to my website www.crystalleonardi.com/blog My books, Boy of Steel, My Brother Sebastian, and 6 Steps to Self-publishing can all be found here: www.crystalleonardi.com/my-books

As an 'accidental publisher' and author, I've reflected on some of the things nobody told me about self-publishing. You'll send test readers your manuscript and hold your breath, praying he/she likes it. After you’ve read your book out loud and made hundreds of meticulous corrections, you will receive your edited manuscript back from your editor and notice countless errors. When you read the final version of your book, you will find an error. Opening the box containing your first print run is the most exciting part of the process. You will take photos, record a reenactment of the opening, and ring everyone to tell them your exciting news. Revil in the moment. Self-promotion doesn't come naturally to everyone, but promoting your book is paramount to its success. You will become embarrassed about promoting your book long before its success. Get over it. As the relentless drumbeat of self-promotion proceeds, no matter how many times you post on Instagram and Facebook, you'll wonder if anyone is listening. Trust me, your target audience is. After your book is published, it might be reviewed. This may hurt. Your book may not be reviewed at all. This hurts more. Other writers' books will be much more successful than yours and receive three times the accolades. This doesn't mean your story isn't as important. In your acknowledgment, you will forget to thank someone super important. The key to becoming an Amazon best-seller isn't about book sales; it's about clever marketing. You will gradually meet, like, and befriend other writers. This will make you realize there is a true author community; avid readers often buy in bulk and can enjoy your book and my book. Depression will envelop you when you fail to produce a reasonable income from book sales, but you won’t care after you spot an airline passenger reading your book. Publishing a book will never get old, ever. To work with me and get your book self-published, simply contact me via my website or email leonardi.crystal@gmail.com Special thanks to Writer's Digest for the inspiration behind this post. '15 Things Nobody Told Me About Book Publishing', written by Sally Koslow, published on 13 September 2022.

How many people have you met who say, ‘oh, I’ve always wanted to write a book.’ Heaps, right? I often meet people who have an inspiring story to tell but feel overwhelmed or even confused about where to start. As writers, however, we experience this all the time, it is very common! Being a writer, to me, is like being self-employed with no deadline, no timesheet, and no responsibility, UNLESS you want to be successful. And by successful, I mean reaching realistic goals that you set for yourself, so the real challenge is not where to begin but how to keep going! Every writer is different, so it’s hard to give general advice on becoming a self-motivated and enthusiastic novelist, columnist, or wordsmith. I can, however, introduce you to the most common reasons that I have found blocks creative freedom in many of the writers I work with. Self-doubt. Self-doubt manifests through feelings of uncertainty regarding one or more aspects of the writing journey. It’s normal to experience feelings of doubt when we are faced with a new writing concept. Most commonly, the enormity of the task at hand is enough to stop the creative flow right from the get-go; writing, editing, more writing, more editing, manuscript submissions, publishing, etc. There’s a lot to consider! The truth is that feelings of ‘not being good enough’ or having previous negative experiences with writing can have a large negative effect on our self-worth and our ability to complete any creative projects. The first sign of this occurring for a writer is often procrastination or lack of motivation. However, there are ways to combat these feelings and become more confident in ourselves and our writing abilities. In the mentorship program I offer through Bowerbird Publishing, I work with writers to overcome self-doubt and how positive affirmations can help them daily. Positive affirmations are a way of focusing on the desired outcome and using positive thinking to get there. Furthermore, they can be used as a form of motivation, self-improvement, or just as an internal voice that tells you that you should be doing something. An example of 2 affirmations I use regularly are; “I have enough, I am enough, I do enough” “Opportunities will always come my way.” Tailored to your own desires and goals, positive affirmations help you to feel good about yourself, achieve your goals, and become more optimistic about the future. Comparing yourself to others. They say that comparison is the thief of joy. This saying rings true in many ways, especially regarding the self-published author. Comparing yourself or your writing to others can become a very paralyzing feeling, both emotionally and professionally. Everyone’s publishing journey and ideas of success are different. What we can control and focus on is our own path and where we want to take it, regardless of where other people are at or what they have done. It is important, then, to remain on task with your own goals and continue to revisit them often throughout your writing. It’s all about practicing self-compassion and understanding that making mistakes is how we learn and grow. For a little internal self-compassion boost, I think about my past achievements and how they made me feel to accomplish them. This technique can help to reflect on concrete achievements where something challenging turned into something great. A lot of achievements are born out of initial uncertainty or doubt. It helps to remind ourselves about the times when things have gone right because the same thing could happen in the present moment, regardless of what other writers are achieving. Another powerful piece of advice I give my writers is to find motivation and support in the friends and family members in our lives who believe in us. When you’re feeling self-doubt or needing motivation, surround yourself with these people. They can remind you of how talented and resilient you are during times when you’re struggling to find your creative power. Constant reassurance from others doesn’t, however, mean much if we still don’t believe in ourselves. Practice positive affirmations and accept our strengths and all we offer as writers, knowing that true success is only found when we have the courage to keep going. To find out more on how to write a positive affirmation, and practice self-compassion through my mentorship program, contact me at Bowerbird Publishing via email, leonardi.crystal@gmail.com or www.crystalleonardi.com/about-1. Or, purchase your own copy of ‘6 Steps to Self-publishing’ through my website www.crystalleonardi.com/my-books. Special thanks to Prima Donna Business Diva for the inspiration behind this blog and the powerful quote; "Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it's your courage to keep going that counts."

Debra and I met at her book launch back in August 2021. I had ordered her book after reading about it in the Cairns Post and eagerly waited to meet her, get her signature on my copy of the book, and have a photo taken with her - I have to admit, I was already a fan! Her mother’s story, beautifully encapsulated in ‘The Girl Who Left’ was everything I had heard before because I, too, have strong Croatian blood running through my veins and worship my mother for many of the same reasons Debra does hers, her compassion, loyalty, and strength. Although the lives of my and Debra’s mothers were completely different, I could relate to the stories of hardship Debra spoke about, as they were experienced by my grandparents, from the same country, on the same island, and at the very same time. This alone made me feel very connected to ‘The Girl Who Left’ even before I read it. ‘The Girl Who Left,’ as I said, is the story of Debra’s mother, Marija. A woman from Croatia, living a childhood during a time of war, fear, poverty, and politics. Debra describes these times like a true historian, capturing not only the historical facts but also the emotion of the country’s people, ambushed at the hands of a political and religious war during the 1940s and ’50s. Sadly, many countrymen and women decided to leave Croatia for a safer life, many finding themselves in faraway countries like Australia. Remarkably for Maria, her commitment to leave Croatia found her not only a safer life but also the love of her life. An opportunity for a proxy marriage between Maria and a mysterious Croatian stranger living in Australia found her on a boat, then a train, on the long voyage to her new home in Mossman, Far North Queensland. There in Mossman, she started her new life with her new husband and his family. Her family left many, many miles away but remained close to her heart forever. ‘The Girl Who Left’ is a beautiful story that travels through a time when love was often all anyone had. Debra shows so much strength of character to bring her mothers story together in this way to celebrate her life and her courage. I know Debra shares my gratitude to the immigrants of the past who had the strength to make better lives for themselves and for the generations to follow. Bravo, Debra. I know ‘The Girl Who Left’ is bringing you great success and recognition already, but please continue to live your best life in this beautiful country that your mother chose for you to call ‘home.’ To buy 'The Girl Who Left' go to The girl who left: From Croatia to the canefields - Gavranich, Debra | 9780645140521 | Amazon.com.au | Books

‘No Finish Line’ has been truthfully told by none other than Johnny Ruffo. Australian singer, actor, dancer, presenter, and all-around Aussie larrikin Johnny Ruffo has been dealt a devastating hand at, what I believe, to be the peak of his life. Diagnosed not once but twice with highly aggressive brain cancer, Johnny continues to receive treatment to extend his life expectancy by only a few more years. He has an almighty battle ahead of him. The reason I bought his book is that I was intrigued, as always, to read another person’s way of courageously telling their story when it seems all hope has gone. ‘No Finish Line’ is written in Johnny’s words in a very honest, vulnerable, and uplifting way. He writes candidly about mistakes in his personal and professional life and, in many ways, lays all his cards out on the table. Despite sharing personal experiences with suicide, self-harm, anxiety, and depression in the past, I feel sure that Johnny has the right mix of mischief and commitment to overcome any mental health challenges that are inevitable in his quest to make the most of the time he has left. When reading this book over only 3 days, I was drawn in by what is obviously the story of a man who could be ‘one of us.’ Yes, he has fame and fortune, but he is a boy from a public housing childhood and a family who worked hard for the little they had. This, I think, is where he found his irrepressible sense of humour and carefree persona, and what Australia evidently fell in love with. Johnny wrote ‘No Finish Line’ to encourage people to cherish life that little bit more, and I believe it does just that. I’m forever inspired and touched by every cancer battler out there, and wish Johnny and his family many years of laughs and happy memories. His diagnosis and the subsequent battle are vastly different from ours (Sebby’s), but we will draw from his courage to keep fighting when all odds are against him. You can buy ‘No Finish Line’ here No Finish Line eBook : Ruffo, Johnny: Amazon.com.au: Kindle Store Johnny is also an ambassador for Save our Sons (a charity supporting Duchene Muscular Dystrophy) and the Cure Brain Cancer Foundation. To donate to either of these vital causes, go to Save Our Sons Duchenne Foundation: SOS or Home - Cure Brain Cancer Foundation. RIP Ava Pearce 12.06.16 - 15.10.22

‘Grace Lucas’ was a young girl with big dreams. She lived an early life unnoticed but found comfort and love in horses. Her heart was rich with joy when she was with a horse, despite the abuse she endured throughout her life, starting when she was just a young girl. Set during the ’60s & ’70s in the Australian Outback, we follow Grace’s life with each chapter, weaving in and out of the present day. Cleverly retold in this way, I was engulfed in not one incredible story of survival but two. The underlying theme, which is very relevant today, explores ageism, sexism, and misogynist behaviour and how despite hindering her throughout her life, became the driving force behind her will to succeed. Grace is a survivor and a lover of rodeo, which makes her a compelling and inspiring lead character in ‘Eight Seconds.’ ‘Eight Seconds’ is a narrative about how Grace Lucas became Australia’s first female bull rider and, consequently, a 2-time Hall of Fame inductee. She ended her career in Mareeba, right on my doorstep. I especially enjoyed reading about her travels throughout the region and the happier times of her life, spent right here in Far North Queensland. There have been times in her life when Grace was just like one of us, but there were also countless times when she became a superstar, a shining light, and a gobsmackingly courageous woman. She’s not Australia’s best FEMALE bull rider, she’s one of the best bull riders, period. Eight seconds was the goal, which kept her passion alive and her adrenalin pumping. What I found extremely enticing about this book is that Dall’alba’s usual genre, romance, can be felt throughout ‘Eight Seconds’. Although not a romance novel, ‘Eight Seconds’ carries the same warmth and level of drama you often find when reading the romance genre. I liked it, surprisingly, and not being a big reader of romance novels – actually never read a romance novel! – I found myself wanting to read Dall’alba’s other books (all of which are romance novels). Well done, Frances! This book I’m sure this will be a great success. Appealing to so many; horse lovers, rodeo fanatics, abuse survivors, single parents, and lovers of Australian history and the outback, I have no doubt almost any Australian would enjoy the incredible story of Grace Lucas. My mum has my copy, but the next stop will be family in Mareeba, who have been born and bred in the region and I’m sure will thoroughly enjoy reading about a local legend in Grace Lucas. To purchase a copy of ‘Eight Seconds’ head to Eight Seconds: An inspirational story about one woman, with one dream, and one almighty driving passion. : Dall'Alba, Frances: Amazon.com.au: Books or to find out more about Frances Dall’alba, check out her website Frances Dall'Alba Romance Writer Home Page (francesdallalba.wixsite.com)

Author Liliana De Sabbata has created this collection of heartfelt poems in the most delightful way. Divided into 4 ‘seasons’, I was taken on a poetic journey scattered with glimpses of love and the power of the almighty moon. Liliana’s distinctive style and rhythm drew me into each ‘season’ where I found myself attaching several poems to particular moments in my own life. The lunar cycle and its effect on our emotional patterns, I imagine, were a driving influence behind Liliana’s poetic concept. I often found myself in a meditative state as Lilian’s soft, quiet, and calm poetry settled down in my very busy mind. Many of the poems I could imagine putting to a song or music, as their melodic flow and deep meaning resonated with me, as if they were written just for me. This incredible anthology is a must-have on your bedside table and can be used as a soothing lullaby as you rest your head for the night. A wonderful gift to yourself or a loved one, ‘In Memory of the Moon Maiden’ is a delightful addition to anyone’s collection of literature. You can purchase Liliana’s book by clicking on this link In Memory of the Moon Maiden - www.jabirupublishing.com.au. Congratulations Liliana on your very first publication!

My first thought on receiving this book was, tell me more about Aunty Mavis! Obviously, she was a significant influence to the author Denise, as she too is a nurse and has written this book dedicated to her Aunty Mavis. Sadly, Aunty Mavis passed before Denise published this book after a long battle with dementia. Denise realized that to preserve her own lessons and adventures as a nurse, she should document her life in this beautiful way. There was one major challenge for Denise, though – she’s dyslexic! So before we get into the actual book, I’d like to celebrate this achievement and acknowledge Denise’s courage and patience to actually get the job done – a theme felt throughout the book. One to never back down from a challenge, I’m sure you’ll agree that Denise’s story is made all that more incredible knowing that behind it all was an individual who found reading and writing extremely challenging. Not just for readers interested in or connected to a medical profession, ‘A Nurse Like Aunty Mavis’ is a gutsy and generous recount of an extraordinary Australian nurse. Born and raised on a farm alongside her 3 brothers, Denise is a true-blue Aussie who longed to be just like her Aunty Mavis – ‘a formidable woman, someone to respect, love and revere.’ When asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, Denise’s answer was always the same… ‘I want to be a nurse like Aunty Mavis.’ Denise’s path to becoming a nurse herself was certainly insightful to read about. Set in the 1960s, I was engulfed in just how different life was for women in Australia then and how the added challenges of unequal opportunity and unequal pay made any level of success for women and mothers even more admirable. I mean, today’s woman wouldn’t survive a day as a nurse back then, let’s be honest with ourselves! I told Denise that the beginnings of her career could be easily injected into the script of ‘Love Child’ – an Australian drama about the lives of staff and residents at the fictional Kings Cross Hospital and Stanton House in Sydney in the 60s and ’70s - fascinating! Becoming ‘a nurse like Aunty Mavis’ meant traveling with determination, independence, and a good head on her shoulders. I was intrigued by how focused on her career Denise was throughout her lifetime as a nurse. It became clear early on that nursing wasn’t a profession for the light-hearted and required a great deal of passion for helping people. Once a fully qualified nurse, Denise decided to give in to her adventurous spirit and go abroad, into communities where basic power, water, and medical facilities were a luxury. Papua New Guinea was home for 20 years, and a large portion of the book is taken up by the diverse recollection of extraordinary tales in PNG. From the culture shock and learning a new language to tribal battles and riots – in the hospital! I was taken on a journey through Denise’s life, loves, and family, and how nursing was always at the heart of her reason for overcoming any adversity that came her way – she really is an exemplary tenacious woman. Now a nurse of more than 55 years, it’s an absolute honour to call Denise ‘nurse’ to my son here in Cairns. She was the first person we met in the Children’s Ward when Sebastian’s tumour was discovered on 8th January 2020 and is now a part of the team caring for him as we continue this battle against brain cancer. I loved this book and will certainly be passing it on to family and friends to enjoy. My mother-in-law is first on my list as she spent time in the QLD Children’s Hospital School, educating sick children. She is the daughter of an equally extraordinary Australian woman who was a part of the Australian Women’s Land Army during WW2. I’m sure she’ll be fascinated to read about an Australian woman whose life couldn’t be more different from her own, yet enjoy it for its honesty and, at times, humorous recount of a life well lived. In the spirit of supporting local businesses, to buy a copy of ‘A Nurse Like Aunty Mavis,’ go to the Jabiru Publishing website, another local publisher calling Cairns ‘home.’ A Nurse Like Aunty Mavis - www.jabirupublishing.com.au

Babies. They are my kryptonite (along with all things that sparkle). I love babies. I am honest to goodness a mascot for all the clucky people out there who just cannot get enough of life’s little cherubs. Especially my own, but also any chubby-cheeked, chunky-legged bundle of squishy-ness, I just cannot get enough. My heart flutters when I see a cute baby, and it seems the more I have of my own, the more clucky I get. God help my future grandchildren! I found this photo last night by accident when scrolling through an old message trail. It’s Sebastian and me when he was just 4 weeks old. I was feeding my baby with my body and enjoying the sudden absence of my well-ripened 9-month-old 'baby bump'. Immediately my focus was on how adorable Sebby was as a baby and how I'd forgotten how squishy and healthy he was for a newborn. After a couple of minutes though, my eyes moved over to me. The youthful, glowing, oblivious me. Still in that beautifully blissful bubble us mothers are in after having a baby. When so much time is spent staring at the miracle we created, adoringly watching on as every sound and movement they make generates heart explosions of love, over and over again. Sadly though, it was like stumbling across a photo of someone I used to know. A young mum and her son, who'd since lost their lives. For the first time in a long time, I unwillingly found myself feeling really sorry for myself. The flood gates opened and I sobbed. The grief was overwhelming and I cried, and cried, and cried. I was abruptly reminded by the youthful, innocent face in the photo that cancer has aged me both physically and emotionally. I feel it every day, but I don’t 'see' it ever. Cancer has also matured me, which for the most part, I can live with and see as a positive, rather than one of cancer’s casualties. I avoid looking at baby photos of Sebastian usually because I just feel sad. It’s like I’ve grieved for that child and instead of remembering, I shift my focus to the little boy in front of me today. Because sometimes, life’s ups and downs leave us feeling really let down and betrayed. No matter how ‘up’ I’m feeling today, the time’s I’ve been ‘down’ still cripple my spirit. I have written before about grief in Boy of Steel, and how cancer forced me to grieve Sebastian, the Sebastian that you see in this photo. But I suddenly realized last night, that I haven't grieved for myself. Not even begun to grieve me. I think about it a lot, how my life has changed, and the optimist in me only ever sees growth. I'd almost forgotten about the other side of me that is lost forever. The innocence in this photo is cripplingly tragic. Both Sebastian and I are completely oblivious to the true definition of trauma and that our lives would change forever over the next 20 months. In those days, back in 2018, I spent my days enjoying my children and genuinely loving being a mum and all the mundane tasks that came with it. Now I spend my days driven by a need to make every day count. To relentlessly make sure that not a day is wasted. I literally force-feed my emotions, to keep them from bubbling out. Willingly pushing myself so far out of my comfort zone, in an effort to better myself professionally and distract myself from what’s really going on with me. I rarely look in the mirror these days, fearful of realizing that my reflection is unacceptable and so far from the high standard I used to live by. Terrified that I'll notice the extra 30kgs that my body now carries around. I call it my trauma weight and I just can't seem to shake it. I disguise myself in bright colours and fun clothing, trying to distract any onlookers from just how sad my soul is, and how truly exhausted I am. My work is a welcomed distraction for sure, but the absence of self-care and time spent on my own health is taking its toll. I guess I was choosing not to see it until it slapped me in the face with this photo last night. The 'slap' burns my cheek and haunts me like a guilty plea to a crime I didn't realize I was committing. I’ve been successfully nourishing my mind, to distract from my neglected heart and body. Overwhelmed with the enormous task of repairing a grieving heart and a broken body. Mostly because every 12 weeks, my heart is broken all over again when Sebastian’s MRI reveals a healthy tumour, nestled in and feeding off his brain and healthy cells. It’s a revolving door that keeps hitting me on the way out. An unsubtle reminder that trauma is still present, an end is not near, and that I need to remain on guard. It seems I have let cancer win. Unbeknownst to me, Sebby’s cancer is desperately trying to take my life now too, and slowly breaking me down. If anyone knows how to help, let me know. And no thanks, Jenny Craig, Lite 'n' Easy, or radical weight loss surgery, as some have suggested, can't fix my broken heart. I get it. Science tells us that healthy eating and good choices can increase the levels of serotonin in our body, which in turn, regulates our anxiety and mood. On top of that, exercise helps the body release endorphins, which make us happier and help us to feel more 'alive'. But what happens when you don't feel like you have the strength to focus more on balancing your time between nourishing your heart, mind, and body in equal amounts? This is where I’m at. I just feel like I don’t have the energy to face what has become of me in nearly 3 short years. Maybe it’s just not my time. That my life is about getting Sebastian better. Mending his broken brain is Priority 1. My time will come. I truly hope we both get the time we need to mend. But how much breakage can a soul and spirit take before it too is a casualty of cancer? Boy of Steel, Little Sebastian's Big Miracle is available to purchase through my website www.crystalleonardi.com/shop. Proceeds from sales go to the Children's Hospital Foundation.

Something I love about making new friends who are also writers, is their pertinent feedback of my work. Recently I had a chance meeting with talented author Maxine Turner. She had recently finished reading Boy of Steel and was eager to discuss my experience. Something interesting she pointed out was that I rarely wrote about the physical environment inside the hospital. She wanted to know what the hospital wards looked like, where I sat, did I sleep in a bed or chair, what could I see outside the hospital windows, etc. It was something I suppose didn’t really matter to me at the time as I was so focused on Sebastian, however it is an important detail when setting the scene. So, this one’s for you Maxine… Cold, freezing cold, is the memory of our time at QCH that is at the forefront of my mind. Sound proof walls, busy halls and devastated numbers of children calling level eleven home. The walls of the hallways were filled with interactive murals, photographs and children’s artwork, in an effort to dull the doom and gloom of their new reality, and their new ‘home away from home’. A parade of clowns, musicians, starlight entertainers, therapy dogs & their handlers, cuddle carers, volunteers with book trolleys, hospital school staff clutching prepared learning resources. Teams of doctors and surgeons moving through, stopping at each room on a daily basis. Pediatricians accompanied by social workers, physios, OTs, speech therapists, wheeling their computers around, huddling outside each room before entering, discussing the patient inside. The clunking and clacking of the Phlebotomists trolley, speeding through the halls to their next appointment, several times a day. Inside Room 24 was just cold, freezing cold. There wasn’t really a smell but there was a sterility about it that can only be described as a ‘hospital smell’. 24 was huge. Equipped perfectly for long stays. Sebastian had his own bathroom & shower, kitchenette, wardrobe, desk, and a single bed below a huge bay window. There were only 2 basic chairs, not recliners like we had in ICU, we assume to discourage parents from sleeping bedside. Thankfully, we figured out how to get around that; Sam or I would get into bed with Sebby or wheel his bed over next to the single bed during the night. There was something about being able to touch him during the night that comforted us all. Our fatigue was so intense that the constant drip of the IV never disturbed our sleep. I can’t say the same for the bedside stand filled with medications, all on timers, that beeped at intervals, around the clock. It seemed particularly too often when trying to get some rest. 24 was painted in bright colours, but the lighting was dim in an effort to keep Sebby’s recovering brain under-stimulated. Latex balloons and flowers are not permitted at QCH so 24 was filled with teddy's, at least 20, sent from all over Australia. One even made its way from old work colleagues now calling the US home. Lovingly donated handmade quilts were always draped over Sebby’s bed and regularly changed to keep the room more ‘homely’. A floor light under Sebby’s hospital bed provided enough light for me to write at night. There’s no surprise when I reminisce on this memory that on my return home, my eyesight had declined dramatically. The nurses that monitored Sebby around the clock were suitably adorned in brightly coloured scrubs and fun name badges. I was surprised at how young the team of nurses were at QCH. As many male as female nurses, another surprise. All well-schooled and experienced at creating a calm environment for the children. What they lacked in age, didn’t equate to their experience and ability. Sebby particularly took a liking to several nurses, despite being severely traumatized from very early on. A true testament to the quality of the staff chosen to care for the children at QCH. Sunshine. I don’t remember many rainy days. Just lots of sunshine. Despite the brightly coloured rooms, and the sunny Qld days outside the window, it always felt ‘grey’ and cold, freezing cold, inside 24.

“What you say NO to is equally as important as what you say YES to” Michelle Bridges. Why did it take a big screen to make me realize that saying ‘yes’ to everything is doing me absolutely no favours? Michelle’s statement reminded me that saying no is just as important as saying yes, especially for mums. What do you say ‘yes’ to that you wish you didn’t? Is it the 7 am start at the school fundraiser on a Sunday morning, or the endless amounts of playdates, music lessons, and sports training for the kids that you seem to schedule every other week? I know I feel like an overworked, underpaid taxi driver who runs a 24/7 kindergarten in her spare time by the end of most weeks. I personally find it really hard to say no. I like to be accommodating and I like to help out where I can. I guess what I’ve realized since becoming older and wiser (and totally exhausted) however, is that if I say no, there’ll always be another person right behind me busting to say yes. That I don’t have to be available to everyone else all the time. It’s been a month since I had the life-changing encounter with Michelle Bridges. I’m still working on the ‘no’ thing but I do stop and think before I automatically blurt out ‘yes’ now. Thank you, Michelle. For the empaths out there, for the over-achievers, or the downright too nice ones, work on saying no more. It’s invigorating to know that you actually have the power to make a choice. That no matter how desperate someone seems to need your help, it’s ok to say no. Don't forget to check out my story Boy of Steel via the 'shop' section on my website www.crystaleonardi.com.

This week I met the notoriously fierce Michelle Bridges. Two things shocked me a little; 1. she's actually really tall! 2. Underneath all of that 'celebrity' that we see in the media, Michelle is a woman who knew what she wanted and even after many setbacks, never gave up on her dreams. Success didn't necessarily come easily to Michelle Bridges. So much of what Michelle spoke about resonated with me and has given me the motivation to stay positive and continue on this journey of becoming a successful author. Since probably July last year (2021), I have been banging on doors, begging for someone to take a chance on me. To just sit up and listen for 5 minutes, and realize the worth behind my passion. It's been tough, I'll admit, hearing 'no' is never easy. With every 'no' I've wondered if I'm wasting my time; if my passion is only ever going to be overlooked and if success is too far out of my reach. What's kept me going however has always been my instinctive drive to just hang in there, because the right 'yes' was just around the corner. Yesterday, I learned that Michelle Bridges began her career just like me; trying to convince people to listen and take a chance on her. Like me, she didn't take no for an answer, a 'no' simply meant 'not yet' and became a new motivator to strive for success. I'm out there, I'm showing up every single day, balancing mum life and my passion, with an unstoppable drive to help others. It's an incredible feeling to know you're on the brink of success. To know in your bones that your cause is worthy and that one day soon, my persistence and consistency will lead me to that 'yes' moment. I've come close, several times, so I'm refusing to give up now. What Michelle taught me is that if you know you can, you will. Success is about finding your 'fuel' or passion and turning it into your business. To make smart decisions, follow your gut, and don't let anyone stand in your way. My humble beginnings are no match for Michelle Bridges but realizing that unless we all channel our inner Michelle, those dreams and passions may never come to fruition. Face life with ferocity. After all, life is just lots of little chapters in a big book about you. You have the power to write the script, so do it. Be a success. Work hard for what you want, and never, ever give up. Crystal xo Check out my media gallery to see more images of Michelle and I. www.crystalleonardi.com also has info about how to purchase Boy of Steel.

When away with Sebastian on these medical trips, I suddenly find myself free to feel. I realize that my headspace is so full in my everyday life as a mother, wife, farmer, and writer, and as I near closer to Brisbane, my mind space slowly clears. Like sun rays striking the earth from a bed of clouds, a feeling of hope and clarity suddenly appears after a day of heavy rain. I once approached Brisbane with such trepidation and anxiety, fearing an unexpected encounter with adversity was just around the next corner. However, with time passing us by and our growing confidence as Sebastian’s carers, I have learned that the more I live, the more I find life mystifying. So much of life just doesn’t make sense. Sometimes, life just is. And when the blows seem to come in thick and fast with little time to recover, life itself can be overwhelming. Dwelling on the negative is so easy to do. Rising above, getting up every day and shining bright, just like those sun rays, is what keeps you from drowning in sorrow and self-pity. I try my best to approach life with grace and gratitude. To take a win as a win and a loss as a loss, and accept that both are a part of what makes life worth living. Every loss is often a lesson and an unexpected twist in our destiny. With every win, we are reminded about how glorious life is. If there’s anything I’ve learned from Sebastian’s recent loss of health, it’s that you will regain your strength. You will laugh again; you will forget the pain and love wholeheartedly again. Like the sun shines every day, so will you. Especially, especially if you have one or two good people in your corner. It’s love. Love makes anything possible. Boy of Steel is available worldwide! Order your copy today at your trusted retail outlet or via my website at www.crystalleonardi.com/shop

Sitting in Sebby's darkened recovery room at QCH on the week of 7th February 2022, I once again faced familiar emotions and a new sense of appreciation for how far we have come. I wrote this piece during the night as I watched over Sebastian's heavily medicated and sedated body, bruised from surgery. I willed him to wake, and look up at me with his charming smile once again, unable to sleep in case he woke and fearfully realized where he was. It is Written by Crystal Leonardi It is written in the lines on my face. It is written in the way my eyes feel sad. In the way my face is relaxed but tortured on the inside. In the way my heart has been broken but still so full of love. I am a mum of a child with cancer. The diagnosis shattered my soul. The trauma broke my spirit. His strength glued me back together. His recovery restored my faith. As I watch over my baby in his hospital bed, the familiarity of our surroundings ignites each of my senses. My body is confused and my emotions are conflicted. I feel safe but scared. I am grateful but downcast. I am trusting, but hesitant. The way the door clicks when it shuts, the pungent smell of alcohol wipes, and the heavy heart I carry when encountered by sick children at every turn, bring a familiar flood of emotions, remnants of 2020. As we embark on a new wave of treatment, I feel prepared to stand up and fight and ready to lay down and begin to dream. The build-up to this moment has been months in the making and now that we’re here, the emotional weight has me falling on my sword, barely able to maintain my strength. I feel tired, I feel trapped and I feel sad, once again. The sudden reminder of this ongoing health battle was delivered like a brutal blow to my stomach, winding me, leaving me gasping for air. Like pressing pause on the healing my heart has worked so hard to accomplish. I’m anxious about when he wakes and is confronted by his surroundings. Wondering whether his mind will remember, certain that his intuition will. Realizing that this new setting is far from paradise, bringing trepidation and fear to his body, I have no doubt. It is written in the fear in his eyes. It is written in the scars on his torso. In the tremble of his body. In the brave face that breaks my heart and fills it back up again. Every single time. It is written.

After a tremendously difficult day in hospital yesterday with Sebastian, I found myself turning to writing to process all of the emotions of the day. Below is a poem I wrote last night, titled 'Just a Man'. Sebastian was due to start his 1st day of chemotherapy in Cairns Hospital yesterday but unfortunately, there were complications. After 2 failed attempts to access his port, an x-ray was ordered on suspicion that it had flipped or moved since being de-accessed last Wednesday in QCH. The x-ray was inconclusive but it was agreed that it had definitely turned at least 90 degrees and should be accessed from the side, rather than from the top. After sedation (which didn't really help) and a 3rd failed attempt, the port was deemed faulty and we were sent home. It was a day of many tears (from us all), pain, fear, and unfortunately trauma for Sebastian. We left the hospital after 7 hours, no chemotherapy, no port accessed, and no idea what was going to happen next. Today we await a call from Dr Walker (QCH Oncology), after further discussions with the surgical team. *The picture attached is from yesterday, in one of Sebby's more relaxed moments. I thought it was too cute not to capture! 'Just a Man' by Crystal Leonardi Let me go! Daddy, don’t leave me alone! Let me go! Daddy, please take me home! A man broad and strong, No longer stoic like King-Kong. Brought down like a feather, Grasping for courage, a waning endeavour. The pleading screams of his son, Accumulated trauma unable to be undone. Sheer desperation fills the air, A small boy confined to a chemo chair. A lonely tear rolls down his cheek, No match for his son’s soul-crushing peak. His heartbroken, red eyes and quivering voice, Evidence of helplessness and loss of choice. The years of watching his son suffer, Never having witnessed anything tougher. Pain and anguish prolonged, engrained, unfading, Brought to the surface like an intruder invading. Once unafraid and filled with certainty, His heart now bruised and battered for eternity. A man left completely shattered on the inside, A dad forever frightened but full of loving pride. Time stands still like a concrete statue, Tears fall, emotions stall, my love will always catch you.

This photo was taken this morning. It's my suitcase from my trip to Brisbane last week with Sebastian. We returned home 8 days ago, which is also about the time I started feeling unwell. Unwell with COVID symptoms. Yes, it finally happened, we've all had COVID here in the Leonardi house. It's been an added worry on top of an already anxious and honestly, cruel week. Since returning home, I haven't been able to 'unpack'. Not my suitcase, nor my emotions. Overwhelmed with feeling frozen in time - a familiar feeling - not wanting to commit to our return home, just yet. We didn't receive much good news in Brisbane and were left with the all too common 'we'll be in touch' outcome. After confirming that the tumour is continuing to grow, it was agreed that action needed to be taken but what and when, needed to be planned and considered with great care and precision - which would take T.I.M.E. Totally appreciate this. Trouble is, whilst the medical team discuss options and investigate alternatives, we are left waiting. Wondering weather or not we'll receive a call to get back on the plane and return to QCH for immediate treatment, or not hear anything at all. I figured, my suitcase is packed, I might as well leave it that way so I can take off in a hurry if needed. So in the physical sense, I've been walking past my suitcase on our dining room table for the last week, trying to ignore it and not make eye contact. It's inconvenient and bulky presence has also weighed heavily on my emotional stillness, neither sad nor happy, just still. I'm so grateful for our gold standard medical team and medical resources in this wonderful country, it's just hard. I feel like this sort of news will never be easy to hear, nor will I ever get used to it. Emotional baggage is normal to carry, it's how we manage it determines how it manifests in each of us. Here's a great article for those of us who need a little help, unpacking some of our baggage... Emotional baggage: 6 signs you have it and how to let it go - Hack Spirit In an effort to process the ups and downs, I've recently begun writing again and am excited to share that I've written a children's book. Titled 'My Brother Sebastian', and told from the perspective of a girl who's brother is diagnosed with cancer, the book focuses on helping siblings of sick kids deal with the emotions and fears that come with a childhood cancer diagnosis. I'm excited to continue to help those effected by childhood cancer, especially the children, and will keep you posted on this new journey with 'My Brother Sebastian'. For anyone struggling with a difficult medical situation or any kind of adversity, I'm loving new resources such as the Resilience Journal & The Inner Game Journal. Check out the links below. The Inner Game Journals https://www.resilienceagenda.com/ And don't forget to follow Boy of Steel on Facebook & Instagram: boslittlesebastian and of course, my website www.crystalleonardi.com

In December of 2021, I was invited to be a keynote speaker for the IPC Health VIC Annual Awards Ceremony. I'd like to share my speech with you, in hope that something resonates and gives you hope for a brighter future, despite the challenges you are currently facing. A recording will also be available in the coming weeks and a link will be added to my website and social media sites. Enjoy! "I would like to applaud each and every one of you here today for your important work in securing the highest quality primary health care to those in need throughout Victoria. You are amongst the heroes of today, our front-line workers, keeping the Australian people safe. I think we can all agree that health care professionals, in any capacity, have shot to the top of the most respected and appreciated professions around the world, and you all, are a part of that. So, thank you. My name is Crystal Leonardi and I am the Author of Boy of Steel, a memoir about my time as a parent of a childhood cancer survivor. I come to you today from sunny Far North Queensland, where I live with my husband, and 4 children. We are farmers from rural QLD and now full-time carers for my 3-year-old son who has brain cancer. So here I am, a mere mortal, amongst the heroes of today to share my story of survival, as a representative of resilience. There is no question that COVID-19 produced its fair share of challenges to each and every one of us in 2020 and beyond. For me, 2020 can only be described as the perfect storm. A global pandemic and a 2-year-old child with a brain cancer diagnosis. Today, the pain of 2020 is almost invisible but the power of my strength, is visible in unquantifiable amounts. How? you might ask… resilience. It's funny, I never considered myself to be a resilient person; I loathe change, I love control and routine, and I crumble under pressure, yet I somehow got through a year where resilience was mandatory. It makes me wonder, do we underestimate or misunderstand our level of resilience and how much of our survival relies on the strength of the human spirit during times of adversity. COVID-19 perfectly aligned with my son’s cancer diagnosis and delivered me so much sadness. On the contrary however, it fostered endless amounts of growth. It has broken me but also helped put me back together. And not as the same person, as a better person. A more courageous person, a more compassionate human, and a more generous spirit. My goal here today is to share my story with you, in hope that my experience and how I arrived here can inspire your own journey and help you recognize the power of your resilience. The trappings of 2020 meant being stuck between hope & hopelessness as I witnessing my son’s body being slowly taken by cancer, transporting me into a new world filled with anxiety, fear and post traumatic stress disorder. In amongst all of this however, writing was what kept me going. It helped me to survive. It was about taking my thoughts and putting them in a safe place - on paper. Often in the middle of the night when I was woken by nightmares, I would unload all of my mental and emotional baggage onto paper. Sometimes on napkins if we were on a plane, or on the backs of medical paperwork if we were in emergency, but mostly it was in my journal. I’d like to now share one of these journal entries from my recently published book Boy of Steel where I dive into the emotional impact my son’s diagnosis was having on me at the time. It was around May 2020, 5 months after diagnosis and I had begun to experience symptoms of PTSD, feeling lost and unable to move forward and look to a brighter future. I had continually adapted to change and had no choice but to adjust to uncertainty. However, I was left feeling frozen in time, hopeless, and unable to escape the trauma of the previous months. May 10, 2020 I found myself going to bed, crying myself to sleep most nights, feeling overwhelmed with doubt and fear that Sebastian’s health would deteriorate, despite our best efforts to keep him safe. My deeply embedded parental protectiveness had maintained my strength through all the months away from home, but now that the storm had passed, Sebastian’s vulnerabilities were suddenly realized. I hadn’t completely accepted Sebastian’s diagnosis, nor had I had time to process it before Sam and I watched on as the little boy we knew was forced to fight for his life. After surgery on 12 January 2020, Sebastian didn’t look the same, didn’t behave the same, and we had lost the person that once was. Sebastian’s diagnosis was a confrontation with death that was still haunting me months later, even though medically, he was through the worst of it. I missed the ‘old’ Sebastian and I felt so guilty about that. It was like he went into surgery as one person and came out completely different. I was grieving for my son who was still alive. I was so blessed and full of love and admiration for the ‘new’ Sebastian, but I longed for the ‘old’ Sebastian who was innocently oblivious to the trauma the cancer had victimized him to. The cancer had robbed Sebastian of his innocence, but it had also robbed me of my son who, in my eyes, was perfect. So what happens when tragedy strikes? Or you feel like there’s no solution to your problems. That you have no control of the outcome, regardless of your best efforts to remain positive. Living with the unknown is difficult but the reality is, we do it every day without even realizing it. No one can tell us what our destiny is and no one has a crystal ball to guide us through the many ups and downs that life throws at us. So how do we survive? How do we harness our inner strength so that we can see past the adversity and better handle stress? I use writing as my therapy but how do YOU build resilience so that YOU can overcome challenges and switch into ‘survival mode’ when necessary, like I did? Resilience is described as the ability to adapt to difficult situations. To face stress, adversity or trauma whilst continuing to function on a physical and mental level. That means allowing your body to experience anger, grief or pain but then decrease your stress by viewing life’s challenges as opportunities for growth. Another area I believe we get trapped in today’s society is overcommitting ourselves and therefore introducing unnecessary stresses that can distract us from focusing on the really important challenges in life. Battling to achieve 'balance' each day is exhausting, and truthfully, we all need different amounts of balance to maintain a satisfactory level of sanity. For example, Today’s stay-at-home parent is no longer just the primary carer for their child. They are also often entrepreneurs, shift workers, online bloggers and Instagram celebrities. Today, we live in a world where the internet allows us to access everything at a click of a button. We too, are more accessible, more available and more equipped to do more and be more to the people we encounter. It’s a wonderfully small world all of a sudden but sometimes, our resilience to change and challenges takes time to catch up. For as fast passed the world is now-a-days, we too need to keep ourselves moving just as fast, in order to keep up. It’s no surprise then, that sometimes striving to keep up, feels overwhelming. I know I am speaking today from a place of fulfilment and gratitude after publishing Boy of Steel and living through an earth-shattering reality check in 2020, but the over-committed and therefor exhausted stay-at-home parent that I was pre-childhood cancer diagnosis, yearns to return some days. What's changed for me though is the realization that life isn't perfect and neither are we. 'Perfectly, imperfect' is my new mantra, and reminding myself that almost always, something's gotta give, frees me from the shackles of my own perception of perfection. Balance within I think, is what we ought to strive for. After all, being able to enjoy the little things, focus on the big picture and reach out to family and friends, or a colleague, when we feel overwhelmed is paramount when building our resilience and improving our outlook on life. I feel honored to have met with mums who’ve lost their child to a cancer diagnosis, fought a courageous, admirable fight, and then devoted their lives to helping other children & their families. What a phenomenal response to adversity and an extraordinary example of resilience. Each and every one of us will experience many ups and downs in a lifetime. My advice to you is to firstly acknowledge the problem or challenge, allow yourself to feel it, and then set realistic goals to remain focused on the opportunity to grow and learn from the experience. Boy of Steel was my way of turning adversity into an opportunity to help others, like all of you. No matter the depth of adversity, if you believe in yourself, practice self-compassion, and nurture your strengths, you will find many opportunities to turn your wounds into wisdom. You all have the power to become representatives of resilience, just like me. I have a child with brain cancer and we are survivors. So next time you are faced with adversity, I urge you to open your minds and realize your potential as a survivor in the waiting. Thank you so much for listening. Merry Christmas to you all and thank you IPC Health for inviting me to share my story with you all today."

They say 'timing is everything' and this week, we demonstrated a lack of perfect timing to perfection. It was the perfect storm... Tropical Cyclone Tiffany, COVID-19 outbreaks and a trip to Brisbane. We made it safely to Brisbane however and life continues at a rapid pace. Sebastian and I have returned to QLD Children's Hospital this week for his scheduled MRI, blood tests, RAT and Oncology review. For the first time in a year, we're staying at Ronald McDonald House (RMH) in an effort to have as little contact with the general public. Staying here means no hospital transfers, no eating out and basically no physical contact with anyone other than hospital staff. It's been really nostalgic being back here at RMH, and surprisingly comforting. The last time we stayed here, Sebastian was just a baby and reduced to a somewhat vegetative state after undergoing brain surgery, followed by meningitis and the commencement of intensive chemotherapy. He really didn't understand much of what was going on at the time so RMH acted as a sanctuary for Sam and I. A place to call home for many many months while Sebastian was still so unwell. When we arrived yesterday, the familiarity of the place only brought back fond memories for me and a new adventure for Sebastian. He was excited by every 'magic door' (card activated automatic doors), lift button, and all the bright colours of this amazing place. I was also reminded of the generosity of the human spirit and the overwhelming support we continue to receive, as a family of a sick child. I finally met the wonderful Justine Christerson who volunteers her time transporting families to and from the airport to their accommodation and/or hospital, as well as gifting these families with care packages. She began the program 'Breaking Down the Barriers for Rural Patients in City Hospitals - Brisbane', in 2012 when a friend from rural QLD had a son who was diagnosed with a brain tumor and was required to relocate to 'the big smoke' to receive treatment. She is one of the many outstanding QLDer's who have made every step of the way just that little easier for us. Taking away the burden and stresses of the mundane that all of a sudden become super overwhelming, when you're delivered a devastating diagnosis like Sebastian's. If you'd like to donate to the Ronald McDonald House Charities or any of the other not-for-profit organizations that have helped us, check out the Sharing the Love page on my website www.crystalleonardi.com or to find out how you can help Justine at Breaking Down the Barriers for Rural Patients in City - Brisbane, by emailing ruralpatient@gmail.com.

I've been sitting on this one for a few days now, unsure weather to publish or not... It's an opinion from my perspective on a topic that has gone from a global pandemic to a political taboo. I respect everyone for the decisions they've made, and are making and believe we should all have the freedom of choice... Is it just me or is everyone else's insides in knots about the COVID vaccine?? I'll admit, I am double vaccinated, but my opinion on weather or not to vaccinate may surprise you. I felt sick getting my 2 needles, and not from a needle phobia, from that strong gut feeling you get when you're doing something you wish you didn't have to. I stood my ground against getting vaccinated for so long and was determined to continue to do so but sadly, our situation with Sebastian made the decision for us. We have a very sick little boy who needs his parents to ensure that every medical option is made available to him. My decision to get vaccinated was made with a heavy heart and overwhelming levels of anxiety. End goal however, was to eliminate any barrier my choices may create for Sebastian's medical journey. If the hospital had have told me to get a barcode tattooed to my forehead, I would have done that too. In my current world, anything other than Sebastian's medical needs come secondary to my own health and well-being - saying it now sounds so short sighted - because if I'm not in good health then how can I nurture and nurse him to better health? Sadly though, the truth is that I haven't been well since receiving the 2 Pfizer COVID vaccines. I won't go into details but I'm just not alright. And to add to not feeling physically well, I'm also feeling completely overwhelmed with anxiousness about everything related to COVID... what happens if I don't fully recover from the vaccine? What happens if I don't get the booster? What about the children - how will life change if/when the Government makes it mandatory to vaccinate our kids, but we choose not to? Technically, we do still have the freedom to choose but if we choose to NOT vaccinate, then we find ourselves limited to basic human connection. The ability to freely go about life without being stopped and asked to prove that you've been vaccinated. The freedom to make plans to socialize with loved ones or travel around our own country. Since when Australia? Since when are my personal health decisions and medical records anybody else's business? This isn't what freedom feels like. I'm vaccinated yet I feel like I have absolutely no choice when it comes to COVID. COVID-19 is a serious pandemic. It is taking the scientific and medical worlds for a ride like no other. It is leaving the most brilliant minds in the world scratching their heads in bewilderment and dispelling the usually reasonable minds to simply 'do what is recommended, because it is mostly safe'. But - it isn't 100% safe, is it? It's a topic that can be spoken about for hours on end and never come to a conclusion or sensible outcome. It has families separated by opinion and friendships lost because of fear. If Australia truly wanted it's people to maintain their freedom of choice, it would, but I don't think it does. It's a realization that's unsettling and confusing. As a proud Australian, I am now more in fear of choosing not to get a booster shot, than I am of getting COVID-19. Perhaps that's been the plan all along? We head to Brisbane again soon for Sebastian's medical appointments, into a hospital that has active COVID-19 patients. It's our reality now but if it wasn't COVID-19, I have no doubt that it'd be something else. I look forward to the day when we are living with just another endemic, rather than a pandemic, and a time when we once again have the 'choice' to vaccinate or not. Kudos to those who have been in an ideal situation to have the choice to not vaccinate and hats off to those who've consciously made the brave decision to trust in the science and get vaccinated free of fear, unlike me. My ass firmly placed on the fence on this topic, incase you were wondering ;). Stay safe and make the right choices for you and your family. I still pinch myself at times, reflecting on Sebastian's journey with brain cancer, in amongst a global pandemic. Timing!?!? Happy New Year to you all and don't forget to get your copy of Boy of Steel today to help raise funds for sick kids through the Children's Hospital Foundation. $5 from each copy sold goes back to the foundation.

When I look outside my window, I see the staunch green mountains of the Great Dividing Range, nestled amongst the hills and farming land of ever-green Julatten. The landscape is lush and enchanting, perfectly matching the spirit of the local community. The air is fresh and the bird-life abundant. I've heard Julatten being described as 'idealist' but I prefer to use the word 'paradise'. Looking outside my window, I see my past, my present and my future. Like a compass, I follow the magnetic 'pull' to remain in this physical space as often as possible, which allows me to navigate through obstacles, unhindered by stresses brought on by myself and the common ailment of 'stretching myself too thin'. This is the place I choose to call 'home'. It's where my heart is full and where creativity and writing flows without inhibition. It is my 'happy place' and I wouldn't change it for the world. Recently, I attended a writers workshop where I had the opportunity to write a piece using a topic prompt - something I rarely get the chance to do. The topic being 'When I look outside my window I see...' Although it's easy to take the literal approach to this topic, it got me thinking about how we sometimes need to look outside ourselves and take a moment to appreciate all the good in the world, in order to remain grounded and focused on what's really important. This sounds all pie-in-the-sky I know, but they say happiness comes from within, and I agree it does, but happiness also comes from what's outside our 'window'. Inside my window I have a very busy home, an office desk piled up with school notes, writing notes, inspirational pieces, books, diaries, photos, authors journals, etc. etc. This little corner of busy chaos can sometimes trap me in an 'I'm so busy' frame of mind and weigh me down with unachievable to-do list stress. What this topic prompt did for me though, was make me stop and realize the beauty in my world and that outside my window is a world of possibilities and a future that I am looking forward to exploring. So, I ask that if you're feeling overwhelmed in your small corner of chaos, just stop and look out the window. Find the beauty in what's outside yourself and acknowledge the smells, sights, feelings and sounds of the future, right outside your window. Boy of Steel is available to purchase from www.crystalleonardi.com/shop with $5 from each copy sold going to the Children's Hospital Foundation.

Earlier this year, I participated in a writing workshop with the great Edwina Shaw. She taught me so much in such a short time and reminded me that connecting to my core emotions, is the key to my success as a published author. I then read a book called 'The Path Made Clear' by Oprah Winfrey and found this quote; "All dreams start from the core. Unless you are in total alignment with whatever you envision, the dream will get derailed. Your intention has to be pure." Oprah Winfrey Together, Edwina's teachings & Oprah's wise words prompted me to write about specific moments in 2020 that significantly ignited my deepest emotions. Today, I share a short passage that wasn't included in my book Boy of Steel, but will stay with me forever. To set the scene, I had returned home for a surprise visit to see my 3 daughters after being away for just over 5 weeks. Sebastian was clinically stable so Sam & I decided it was time for me to go home for some respite. I flew home on February 13, 2020 in time to pick the girls up from school for a few days together, before I had to return to Sebastian on the 18th February. Alyssa was just 3 years old at the time and my heart was always heavy with worry for her while I was away... My body was so nervous and full of energy as I entered the Kindy, just after noon on Thursday. The anticipation of reuniting with Alyssa was almost overwhelming, making walking in a straight line difficult. As I entered the room, the familiar smells infiltrated my nostrils and ignited a familiarity I suddenly realized I had missed dearly. The bright colours of the room, the handmade children's artwork hanging from string across the ceiling, reminded me I was 'home'. As I made my way through the Kindy room and outside to where Alyssa was, I could hear the sound of toddlers chatting away and the busy-ness that surrounded them. The children were innocent, pure and living in the moment, as children do. Alyssa would be shocked to see me and I couldn't wait to see her beautiful big brown eyes look up at me at the sound of my voice. There are so many ups and downs in a lifetime. At the moment, I'm feeling like my life is overflowing with so much positivity but my emotions are struggling to engage. It's a toll the PTSD takes on me. It's hard work but it's real and it's all part of this journey I'm taking through Sebastian's diagnosis with brain cancer. What keeps me afloat though, is writing. In the good times & the bad, writing is always there and so is my vision to help others through my writing. *Image of Alyssa kissing a horse at 'Horses Helping Humans' in Dimbulah, QLD. A wonderful therapy to help improve the mental health of children and adults alike.

As we continue on this path of unknowns with Sebastian and his brain tumour, I've suddenly realized that at some stage, a parent in my situation, gets to a point where they have no choice but to give in or give up. It's terrifying to realize that so many parents are left with no choice but to give in to the cancer. I don't ever want to contemplate being in that situation. When every treatment option has been tried, every drug, every home remedy, every natural alternative, but still, the cancer wins, how do you get to a place where you accept defeat and surrender? How do you stop the fight? So far on our journey with Sebastian's brain cancer, I've only experienced an overwhelming 'never give up' attitude. I've sadly met so many mums however that have felt the same but then suddenly realize it's all been in vain. My heart aches for those families. For the mums and dads who realize one day that no matter how hard they try, it will never be enough. When they finally realize that their only option left is taking their child home and making them as comfortable as possible until they fade away. I also find myself contemplating then, whether or not giving up is something a parent will never do. Especially when it comes to their child. I know I won’t ever give up, but will I be forced to give in on day? It must be a completely broken spirit that leads to a parent’s submission to their child’s cancer or illness. This is a heavy subject but something I sadly contemplate from time to time. So many of these mums who’ve been broken, have redirected their hurt & heartbreak to the greater good. I feel honored to have had conversations with mums who’ve lost their child to a cancer diagnosis, fought a courageous, admirable fight, and then devoted their lives to helping other children & their families. What a phenomenal response to adversity. To check out the amazing work of some very special mums, go to the ‘Nate’s Mates’ and ‘This Strong Mum Foundation’ FB pages. Special thanks to Katie & Anj for inspiring me to ‘turn my wounds into wisdom’.

When I'm feeling overwhelmed with the many 'hats' I wear; mother, carer, writer, cook, cleaner, gardener, farmer's wife; I try to remind myself that no-one can be everything to everyone, and that ultimately, something's gotta give. For example, on days when I'm nailing the cook & cleaner roles, I'm often then too exhausted to play handball or hopscotch with my children after school. Or when I get to the end of the day and feel really good about how much one-on-one time I spent with each of my children, I can't help but notice the piles of neglected dishes in the sink or mountains of dirty clothes all over the bathroom floor. So how do we find balance in our crazy busy lives?? Maybe the answer is simple... we don't. Battling to achieve 'balance' each day is exhausting, and truthfully, we all need different amounts of balance to maintain a satisfactory level of sanity. I know I write from a place of fulfilment and gratitude after publishing Boy of Steel and living through an earth shattering reality check in 2020, but the over-achieving, structured mother that existed inside of me pre-childhood cancer diagnosis, yearns to return some days. What's changed for me though is the realization that life isn't perfect and neither are we. 'Perfectly, imperfect' is my new mantra and remembering that almost always, something's gotta give, frees me from the shackles of my own perception of perfect. Balance within I think, is what we ought to strive for. Just doing one or two little things for myself each day helps keep me afloat. After all, motherhood really is one big game of survival, and if you're lucky, self-preservation. Boy of Steel is now available WORLDWIDE at crystalleonardi.com/shop. Read more about how the reality check of 2020 opened my eyes to what's really important in life and how shocked I was to realize that it wasn't the cardboard cut-out nuclear family image that I had been working so hard to live up to.

I'm feeling rejuvenated and energized after a full night sleep. Something I still don't get very often due to Sebastian's brain tumour. As I spend my days preparing for the official launch of Boy of Steel, a level head and creative flow is essential. Although I get more sleep now than I did leading up to Sebastian's diagnosis, I still struggle to function properly on the days where sleep is limited. A huge part of creating my memoir was research and investigating all areas of brain cancer, in a hope that I would light up with the spark of understanding. Something that grabbed my attention and gave me so many 'light bulb moments' was the intricacy of our Circadian Rhythm. It's the body's 24hr-clock and so much of what I struggle with on a day to day basis - emotions, anxiousness, lack of confidence, are all exacerbated due to a lack of sleep and rest. The circadian rhythm tells our body when to sleep, when to be alert, when to eat, etc. so when you are unable to follow that natural rhythm, your body struggles BIG time. Did you know that lack of sleep can effect your hormones, weight loss and mensural cycle? Making it so much more than just feeling tired all the time. In Boy of Steel, Chapter 21, "Dreaming of Sleep" dives into our world of sleep deprivation and how we managed to function on little to no sleep during 2020. I have a vision for what Boy of Steel could be and my commitment to the cause has never wavered. I hope that it inspires hope & courage and that it expands the hearts and minds of every reader. It's not just a memoir about a brave boy, it's a research journal, a raw recount of events, and an inspiring story of love. Find out how to get your copy on my website crystalleonardi.com/shop

What happens when you've been through the worst of it, the dust settles, and you're living life again? When you've returned to the mundane, but necessary tasks that you missed so much when life was far less complicated? When you're back to doing things for yourself again - for me that's playing sport and the occasional cuppa with friends. When life is pretty much... 'normal', again. Why then, does is all feel so different? It's no surprise to me that life hasn't felt the same after Sebastian's diagnosis, but it's nothing like I imagined either. During the hardest day of my life - January 12, 2020 (surgery day), I felt like the world was spinning around me but I was standing still, frozen in time, by fear. The problem is, although that was 20 months ago, I am still waiting to thaw out properly. I'm about 50% there, most days. Physically, I'm here. Mentally, I'm here. Emotionally though, I'm still far away, and unsure if I'll ever fully return. It's innocence stolen, hearts broken and mended again, and it's so much about emotional recovery. Some days, the emotions are easy but then other days, they are a struggle. On the harder days, I feel blessed to have Sebastian with us, but overwhelmed by his future and jaded by what we've already had to endure to get this far. I am yearning to overcome the trauma of 2020 and despite being confronted by formidable obstacles along the way, I was raised knowing the value of a hard day's work. I have a vision for what 'Boy of Steel' could be - a story that inspires courage, but also a wonderful way to heal. "A vision that grows inside of you, a vision that wakes with you, sleeps with you, moves with you, a vision that you can tap into on your worst days - that vision will pull you forward." Iganla Vauzant

Two days after I hear of yet another little boy who's life was taken too soon, I'm thrust back into the front seat of the emotional rollercoaster that came with my own son's cancer diagnosis. Earlier this year, it was Nate. Earlier this week, it was Slater. Two little QLD boys with terminal brain cancer who's lives are now legacies and examples of bravery for the families left behind. When I hear the news of yet another loss, I feel so scared. I go from carefree and confident about Sebastian's current medical status to completely overwhelmed with the reminder that there are very few survivors of childhood brain cancer. That Sebastian, although not yet in remission, is one of the lucky few. One of the very few survivors. So far. Boy of Steel will be such a valuable tool for parents of sick children as it discusses all aspects of our emotional journey through Sebastian's diagnosis and treatment. The ups, the downs, the ins, the outs and most importantly, the unexpected twists and turns. If you are a parent who is reading this blog from the lonely confines of a hospital room, please read my book. If you are a friend of someone who's child is bravely receiving treatment for a life-threatening condition, please read my book. If you are a family member of a cancer warrior, please read my book. If you are a person who wants to be inspired by a true 'Boy of Steel', please read my book. Our story has the power to change so many lives. An excerpt from Chapter 8, Boy of Steel... "...the most surprising realization for me was just how indiscriminate childhood cancer and disease is. Our children were now a statistic and in so many ways a medical ‘experiment’, with complications previously unseen and treatments never tried before. This left us parents in QCH hovering helplessly over our children, asking ourselves, Why? and How?" “Bless the beasts and the children for in this world they have no voice, they have no choice.” The Carpenters To support life-saving research, donations can be made to your preferred charity at crystalleonardi.com. Boy of Steel will soon be available for purchase. Stay updated via FB (Boy of Steel) & crystalleonardi.com.

This is Sebastian today. The PAIN of 2020 almost invisible. The POWER of his strength today, visible in an unquantifiable amount. What happens when suddenly, you find yourself working on a 'passion project'? Like so many parents out there who turn their pain into power by writing about their experience through a childhood cancer diagnosis, I find myself on the verge of publishing a very personal story about our battles through what was, quite frankly, an absolute hell of a year. The saying 'everything happens for a reason' awakens a level of irritability in me and has me asking 'but, why?...' Why was my baby born with a brain tumour?'... 'Why are there so many children confined to hospitals, who've had their carefree, healthy lives snatched away?'... For me, that doesn't need to happen for a reason, but sadly, it just does. In Oprah's book "The Path Made Clear", I found peace. "Passion whispers to you through your feelings, beckoning you toward your highest good." So rather than Sebastian's diagnosis being for a reason, it happened, we survived and now I have the experience to help others. The experience has provided me with so much sadness but also endless amounts of growth. It has broken me but also helped put me back together, not as the same person, as a better person. A more courageous person, a more compassionate human, and a more generous spirit. My dream is that Boy of Steel lands in the hands of parents enduring the same hell we went through in 2020, and that it's message helps other families survive and continue raising awareness for childhood cancer research, so that no more children will suffer like Sebastian has.

Limbo. It's a horrible place to live, and just like that, we're back there again. Last week we didn't get the news we'd hoped from Sebastian's MRI - the remaining tumor has increased in size. We don't know what it means, or why it's happened so quickly, but it goes with the unpredictable nature of Sebastian's diagnosis. Our parental power to 'kiss it better' has been snatched away once again and I'm left feeling trapped between hope and hopelessness. A fresh reminder of just how unfair the big 'C' can be. Living with the unknown is difficult but the reality is, we do it everyday without even realizing it. No one can tell us what our destiny is and no one has a crystal ball to guide us through the many ups and downs life throws at us. So how do we survive? I'm yet to figure out the perfect answer but I know that resilience has a lot to do with it. It's funny, I don't consider myself to be a resilient person; I loathe change, I love control and routine, and I crumble under pressure, yet I somehow got through a year where resilience was mandatory. It makes me wonder, do we underestimate our resilience and how much our 'fight or flight' instinct contributes to our survival? I know we all have our strengths, and weaknesses, but when you become a parent, I believe our 'fight' instinct and the resilience we didn't know we had will get us through the toughest of times. When you least expect it, survival happens. Here is an excerpt from Chapter 16, Boy of Steel where I dive into the emotional impact the COVID-19 lockdown had on us during our stay in Brisbane in 2020... "My fight or flight response was to pack our things and go, to cease treatment and hide from the cancer at home with our family. The fight was becoming overwhelming. With every delay or complication, I felt more and more helpless and hopeless." Like I said, when we least expected it, survival happened and we live on to tell our story and hopefully, help other families 'living in limbo'. ***Image: message my girls wrote and added to the Queensland Children's Hospital's Wishing Tree. A place families could come to write messages of hope and love as a dedication to their sick child. A heartbreaking yet beautiful addition to the Queensland Children's Hospital.

Turning lemons into lemonade... I think I'm good at that - literally and metaphorically :). A lot of people ask me how I found the time to write a book... Well for me, writing was what kept me going. It helped me to survive. It wasn't about sitting down everyday to add another enthralling chapter, in fact that never entered my head. It was about taking my thoughts and putting them in a safe place - on paper. Often in the middle of the night when Sebastian's brain was confused about day = awake, night = asleep, I would unload all of my mental and emotional baggage onto paper. Sometimes on napkins if we were on a plane, or on the backs of medical paperwork if we were in emergency, but mostly it was in my journal. So how do you turn lemons into lemonade in your life? My friend Casey, turned coconuts into a healthy snack to nourish her pregnant body, and then later her children. That healthy snack turned into an award-winning business; Beach Harvest Coconut Chips... amazing Mumpruneur and 'lemonade-making' extraordinaire right there! Share your 'lemons into lemonade' story in the comments because sharing can inspire xo

Grief. It's heavy and we often associate the word with death. But what about grieving someone or something that is still there, for example grieving a friendship that's turned sour or grieving a person who has changed at the hands of a medical episode or serious illness? I think we can all relate. As the Author of Boy of Steel, I write about the guilt associated with grieving my son who was still alive. About how it felt as a mother to miss my child, simply because childhood cancer had changed him so much. An excerpt from Chapter 19, Boy of Steel: "I missed the ‘old’ Sebastian and I felt so guilty about that. It was like he went into surgery as one person but came out completely different. I was grieving my son who was still alive. I was so blessed and full of love and admiration for the ‘new’ Sebastian but I longed for the ‘old’ Sebastian who was innocently oblivious to the trauma the cancer had victimized him to. The cancer had robbed Sebastian of his innocence but also robbed me of my son who in my eyes, was perfect." What have you grieved that's still 'there'? A marriage? An estranged loved one? A childhood memory? A home? The now 70c Macca's 30c soft serve? crystalleonardi.com