Our lifetime of trauma began at 22-months of age. This was when we lost our HOST (the person we were born as) to extreme trauma. FINAL OBLIVION or Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) are the complete and permanent disappearance or cessation of a particular alter personality.
At 3-years of age, Aimee is an ‘old soul’ and became HOST #2.
The thing about complex traumas is that some of the personalities the brain creates as a reaction to the trauma, can be different from the HOST. However, we didn’t know this. The brain keeps everything a big secret, which decreases the sense of self.
Here is a poem we wrote in 2012 explaining how it feels to not know who you are…
Who Am I?
It’s the words over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. ENDLESSLY. All crazy. All crazy as all hell breaking loose.
Came and came and came and came to a puzzled place.
When we reached 4-years of age, when a healthy child’s sense of self is developing, we had 31 personalities. This means the ego had split into 31 parts or segments, like a mandarin fruit.
Not everyone who reads this handbook has complex trauma. Some may have had a more recent trauma, such as a car accident or being caught in a natural disaster. Some may have come from a war zone. In these cases, you may lose your sense of self because the incident has removed you from your life and put you in a situation where you feel a loss of control. This is a truly horrible situation, that can go on indefinitely, triggering anxiety or panic attacks. Traumas have the power to change your life path if given permission.
The strategies in this book are for anyone who has experienced trauma at any time in their lives. If I had had a resource like this when I was younger, it would have helped immensely.
I hope it starts you on a journey of self-discovery, including finding a professional therapist. We, personally, have seen 17 therapists in Victoria, New South Wales and Queensland. They all had different idiosyncrasies that detracted from the client/therapist relationship. For example, in Victoria, we had a therapist who fell asleep in our session. The house cat came and sat on our lap, and we watched the therapist until he awoke. We didn’t go back. We found another who treated us like a specimen. We didn’t go back.
Good luck with your journey. Never give up, and remember it is your right to move on until you find a professional who has strong therapeutic boundaries and is a good reflective listener. You want someone who validates what you are telling her/him. This is the beginning of your journey. Go well, fellow traveller.
